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I work for realism in most of my stories. In spite of this, some things are not
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Additional note:

This story first appeared on the EMCSA in 2000. After a long period of being offnet, I realized that I miss having them up. Then, too, we have new people around the site. Feedback may be posted to the Forum. Please don't ask for my email. Thanks, and blessings.

******

The voice whispers quietly somewhere off in space. "I want you to think about
your first experience with hypnosis, Jessie. That's what you came to me for, to
find out why you're obsessed with it. Remember?"

I nod very faintly. "I remember..." My breath catches.

"Good. Go back to it...and tell me about it."

My lips part. I hear a voice I know is mine. "It was a long time ago..."

"When you first went into therapy?"

"No...longer ago than that...much longer."

There is a pause. I float. Then the voice speaks again. "Let yourself go back in
time and remember, Jess. When I count from five to one, you will be there.
Five...four...three...two...one..."

*****

The late afternoon August sun glared off the pavement as I meandered with Jade
through her subdivision. It illuminated the contrasts between us. They were
things I normally hated to think about. So close to the end of my last perfect
summer, with fall and college close at hand, there was a lot I didn't want to
think about. I didn't want to think at all.

Even though we went down the street side-by-side, Jade's brassy dyed blonde hair stole the
light from the sky, from my hair. She was so much brighter than everything
around her. She didn't walk, she prowled. I could see her from the corner of my
eye as she stalked along, a predator's gaze flicking over the cars and
lawns. She held a cigarette clenched in her left hand, and she wore a black
sleeveless T-shirt and black leather pants, even in the summer heat. Her face
was wide and round, but her body was dieted to a thinness that didn't match its
shape. Gold, slightly tilted eyes betrayed the mixed Asian-European ancestry
that made the color of her hair a bigger lie.

*****

"What do you look like, Jessie?"

"I don't want to think about me. Please don't make me."

"I need you to, if only so I can get a clear mental image of you. It's all
right. Breathe deeply and relax. There's no fear here."

"...there's no fear here..."

*****

The shorter girl was softer, mousier. A much rounder shape, she wore glasses
that hid her hazel eyes from the world. Her hair was long, brown, and blunt-cut
in a style much more attuned to an earlier time. She, too, wore black, but it
was cutoff sweatpants and a concert T-shirt. Her attention was focused on the
pavement before her.

*****

"Do you always think of yourself in the third person, Jessie?"

"No. Only then."

"Tell me what happened."

*****

"It's not fair," Jade growls. "I don't want you to go to college. I won't see
you at all." She snatches my hand without looking and squeezes it tightly.

It hurts, but I don't show it. "I'll be back, Jade," I try to reassure my
friend. "Weekends, holidays...you know that. Or maybe I could bring you back
with me for a week."

Jade snorts. "Not without irritating my probation officer. I can't believe my
parents did that, Jess!"

I offer tentatively "Well, they did think you'd stolen their car when you were
gone for a week." At the stormy look that she turns on me, I add hastily "It
doesn't matter. We'll work something out. We managed to have the whole summer to
hang out, and we didn't think we'd manage that. We even managed to keep from
getting in trouble." I don't want Jade to be angry with me. Not now, not ever.
She's my only true friend.

Jade turns back to her scanning of the neighborhood. After a moment, she says
grudgingly "True. It's just with you gone, the only friends I have are the ones
that are likely to get me busted. And maybe I don't want that any more. I mean,
you're going to college, and I should be too."

"There's community college," I note eagerly. "A year and you'll be done with
probation and can transfer."

Our steps take us off the road and onto the greenway. Jade finishes her
cigarette and steps on it, picking up the butt and sticking it in her pocket.
"Maybe. I dunno if I'm smart enough. Her gold eyes are still troubled. "You
got your dorm assignment?"

There was a bench there we always sat on when we talked and Jade smoked. I fling
myself down onto it, praying I don't get splinters off the old wood. "Yeah.
Stuck in a room with three other girls who likely don't know a verb from an
adjective, I'd bet. One out of four freshmen flunk. It won't be me." I'm
determined on that point, and I let it show in my voice. Jade grins as she
taps her cigarette pack.

"I think I'm a good influence on you. You're getting a backbone." Slipping
another cancer stick from the pack, she adds "You're a lot different than you
were at the end of high school."

I feel my face burn. Quickly, I look down at the grass. "Yeah, well. You
didn't have to show me a different side of life."

Jade's voice is uncharacteristically soft. "Maybe I just got tired of seeing
you beat down. Maybe I just liked the poems you wrote in class. I dunno. What
matters is we're friends, right?" Try as she might to suppress it, there's still
a hint of entreaty in the question.

She needn't have worried. I respond quickly and firmly with "Yeah. That's what
matters." This is a tender subject and I know I had to change it. I glance
skyward and wince. "I'm going to get melanoma if we sit out here much longer.
When's Heather coming over?"

Jade glances at her watch. "In about ten minutes. I guess we should get back,
huh?"

I nod unenthusiastically. "She's coming over clean, right?" Please, I think, please let her
not be bringing over any acid or X.

Jade grunts as she got to her feet. "She better. I have a mandated drug test in
a week."

I get up and mutter just loudly enough to be heard "And you don't think you're
smart!"

Jade grins back at me. "I'm not. I just fake it real well." Then her
expression alters a little. "I know you don't like Heather."

Light glints off glasses lenses as my gaze falls streetward. "Yeah, well. She
doesn't care much for me. I'm not cool enough, I guess. Haven't dated the right
people, haven't done the right drugs. And I'm fat."

Jade nods. "Listen, whatever she says, let it go. She's not worth it. And
knowing her, she'll be gone by one in the morning."

I have to be content with that. Even so, it hurts. I murmur unhappily "She's
just so fake sometimes...it's like all she cares about is herself and what she
can get away with, you know? And I can't get a guy to look at me twice."

"Listen, Jess...you don't want those guys. I dated some of them. I know. They'd
do things to you that..." Jade hesitates, gropes for words, and finally finishes
"I dunno, something in you deserves better than what Heather wants."

Hazel eyes glance up to meet gold. "You really think that?"

Jade nods slowly. "I really do. Something about you needs to stay the way it
is, Jessie."

I can't help but smile. She really does like me... "I'll remember...thanks." The expression remains for
another two blocks.

Heather is waiting at the house by the time we reach it. A slender, willowy
brunette, she's wearing her normal pouting expression as she leans on her car with
arms folded. "I've been waiting forever!"

I say contritely "Sorry...Jade wanted to smoke and I wanted some fresh air..."

Heather studies me for a moment, then snorts. "Yeah. OK. Whatever. I brought
the movies. This is dumb, you know that? It's like we're fourteen or something."

I flush, since the movies had been my idea. I like popcorn and making fun of
bad melodrama.

Jade growls "Stuff it, Heather, you didn't have to come over."

Heather retorts "I did if I want to see Damien tonight. I have to at least put
in an appearance if I'm supposed to be spending the night. I'm supposed to meet
him downtown at midnight, and then who knows?" She arches her back, catlike.
"Who knows."

I' still studying the pavement, and Jade glances at me sidelong before
announcing "I'm going inside. I'm hungry. Come along or stay out, it's up to
you." Without waiting for an answer, she pushes me toward the door. Heather
sighs melodramatically and follows, grabbing a bag from the car hood.

*****

"It sounds as though you weren't too happy."

"I hated her. I hated that night. I don't want to think about it."

"Just tell me a bit more."

*****

The evening wore on. As time progressed, the atmosphere grew more strained. I
tried gamely to keep the conversation going and civil, but it was an uphill
battle. Jade was preoccupied and didn't jump as quickly to my defense as normal.
Heather rebuffed the tentative friendship overtures and made fun of me. She
thought it was hilarious I was still a virgin. By the time both movies were
done, I had retreated into silence and Jade was on the verge of exploding.

"I'm going to listen to music," she announced to no one in particular. She left
the room, followed by Heather. It took me a full five minutes to make her way to
the bedroom. I almost left a hundred times in that five minutes. Jade needed me,
though, and I wasn't going to leave her alone.

When I got to the bedroom, Heather was sprawled out on the rug, looking at the
CD liner notes, and Jade was sitting on the bed. I hesitated in the doorway, but
a quick glance at the clock told me that it was maybe an hour till Heather left.
I resolved to just keep my mouth shut.

"Hey, Jade, can I borrow that nail polish?" Heather chirped. "It's nicer than
mine." It actually broke the ice a little. For a few minutes as we all painted
our nails, we were at peace. As soon as it dried, though, Heather was back to
insulting me.

Jade started to tickle me to make me smile. "C'mon...just a little one," she
teased. I'm way too ticklish. I tried to push her away, but that just made her
more determined to get me. She laughed and moved in closer.

"Oh, please," I heard Heather say from the floor. I couldn't stop to look at
her. Jade was faster and stronger than me. I had to focus on keeping her away
from my ticklish spots. The world narrowed down to her hands, reaching for me,
almost invasive. She was stronger and faster than me and I have to fight her
off. I have to keep her from touching me.

She's tickling me and I'm laughing and I can't breathe and she grabs my wrists
and pins me on my back on the bed and I'm drawing in great gasps of air and she
pins me and I can't move and she stares into my eyes...

*****

"Jessie?"

Silence.

"Jessie, you can answer me."

"Gold."

"What? I don't understand."

*****

Everything is gold. Her eyes capture me and draw me in. I can't move, I'm pinned
down. I'm so vulnerable. I'm scared. She'll protect me. Won't she? All I have to
do is let her. Please, Jade, tell me what to do. I want to live in gold. I want
to feel the sunlight on your hair.

Her voice is playful, and it says only one word. "Sleep."

Lead weights suddenly pull down my eyelids. Sleep. Of course. My eyes close, but
the gold goes with me into the darkness. Sleep.

*****

"Jessie, what's going on now?"

"I'm asleep. I'm dreaming I hear their voices."

"Are you really sleeping, or just faking it?"

"I'm really sleeping. She told me to sleep. I couldn't keep my eyes open if I
tried."

"All right...what happens now? What are they saying?"

*****

Voices. One I don't like. One is my Goddess.

"Shit, Jade! What the hell did you do to her?"

"Knock it off, Heather. I didn't do anything. She just went out like a light."

"She's in some kinda...wake her up."

"I don't want to. I don't know what happened, and I have to figure this out."

The voice gets close to panic. "Jaaaaade! Wake her up!"

I don't want to wake up. I want to dream.

"No. Oh, shit! Heather! Look what time it is!"

There's more cursing, and then the voices are gone. Good. It's quiet now. I can
rest. I can dream. There's no sound forever. Then I can feel eyes on me. Gold.
Her eyes. They burn into me. She's watching me.

I dream I hear my Goddess's voice speaking to me. It's too wonderful. I bask in
its warmth.

*****

"What is she saying, Jessie?"

"I can't say. The words don't matter."

*****

I'm awake, but I can't open my eyes. That doesn't seem odd at all. I'm lying on
the bed, unmoving. I can hear Jade moving around the room. Something just tells
me it's her. The sound is comforting.

I finally ask, without opening my eyes, "Where's Heather?" I realize I'm not
wearing my glasses. I don't care. I realize I'm not wearing my pants or shirt.
That doesn't matter either.

Jade answers quietly. "She left, Jess." I feel the bed shift under her weight as
she sits down next to me.

My eyelids come unglued, and I look up. She's leaning over me, hands on either
side of my body. I don't think I've ever seen her quite like this before. As I
register the fact that she's only wearing a bra and thong underwear, she gives
me a smile. I've never seen her smile like this before. It's shy, nervous, and
hopeful. There's nothing of the tough girl in it at all. She needs me...?

I stare up at those eyes, that smile. My hand moves of its own accord. It rises
and slips behind her head. I pull her down to me and kiss her, deeply and
tenderly. It's my first kiss, and it's happening while I sit back and watch it
peacefully. There's no guilt, no worry. No one's here to interfere. It's just me
and my Goddess. My eyes are half-open and so are hers, and all I can see is
gold. I am gold. Everything is outlined in gold. The sunlight she stole burns
me.

Her fingers are slipping my bra off my shoulders and down my arms. One hand
rests on my heart, between my breasts. I go totally limp, unable to move at all.
I'm her doll, her toy. Her lips leave mine, leave me bereft and cold. Don't
leave me, Goddess. I'll be a good girl, I swear.

*****

"You're crying, Jessie." Pause. "Jessie, please talk to me."

There are no words. Where and what you are is not what I am. You hypnotized me,
but She entrances me. Let me go to Her.

*****

My body dissolves into fire. Her tongue traces every inch, every fold of my
skin. She's burning me alive. I'm dying in the flame.

Then she's guiding me and I'm moving and I feel, I sense, I taste Her sunlight
and sweetness. She's honey and nectar and chocolate and spice, the liquor
between Her parted legs all I want to drink again. Her hands on my head direct
me until Her gasps and moans tell me I'm doing what She wants. I slip out of
myself into something more, because all I can ever be is nothing unless I am
Hers. And now, now, I am Hers forever. She needs me. I have to keep Her safe
from Herself. I feel Her shudder and Her fingers are pulling my hair as She
comes and the pain is sweet, sweet, because it means I pleased Her...

*****

"I want you to come back now, Jessie. One...two...three...four...five."

I fight, but the commands and numbers rip me from Her arms. The gold fades
forever and burns to ash. Tears are running down my cheeks. My underwear is
soaked. The therapist hands me a tissue. Somehow it all seems so unreal. The
real world is the one I just left behind. It's no use to fight any more, though.
Jade is long gone, and I have a home I need to return to.

"Why are you crying, Jessie?"

I answer without looking around. "I failed her. She was everything to me, and I
let her down."

"How did you do that?"

The gentle voice grates on my nerves. I snap without thinking about it. "I
didn't call her enough at the end of the summer. My roommates didn't give me
messages. She stopped calling me. I was so caught up in school I didn't realize
it. By the time I got a clue it was too late. Last I heard she was in Florida
having just gotten clean from cocaine and heroin. She was moving farther away
than that, even."

I hear her sigh as she glances at the clock. "Time's nearly up for this session.
What are you going to do now, Jessie?"

I shrug as I gather my purse. "I understand now. I know why I love to be in
trance. That's what matters. That's what I came for." She tries to get me to say
more, but I don't say anything or even make another appointment as I walk out
into the late afternoon sun. It shines on my hair coldly. Without my Goddess,
the world is a chilly place. The heat is gone. Part of me is gone. I failed Her,
and without that, I'll never be able to really see gold again.

I get in the car but don't trust myself to drive. I lean on the steering wheel
and cry for a long, long time. I think of her eyes, and feel a slow stillness
begin inside me.

Finally I reach for the phone and dial.

"Hello? Is this 1-800-U-Find-Me? I need to try to look up an old friend..."