Vox

by Publicus Sextus

Desire to have her naked upon my bed. To see her, sweat -drenched and fearful. Fear
as my wife and love and all, the smell of her filling of the pain I might inflict.
swept me from the the room, invading my eyes and mouth. Do you know what it is to
moment I laid my She and I would love like we had before. hurt the one you love?
eyes upon her, Before all this trouble between her and me. Deliberately and slowly. I love it.
though I did Before infidelity and misfortune tore us apart.
not know to Things were better before, you know. Now I'm a lonely girl, all by myself.
call it old man, with you taken away from me. But I still lust. We couldn't marry, and
that When I was younger, I thought that the elderly didn't maybe if we had been able to
then. feel that way about each other. Didn't lust. she would've stayed with me. We could've
It's not so much that we don't feel that way as had a child together, and she wouldn't
that what we feel is so much richer than before. have run off with him.
The smell of old bodies, it's who we are - and we The boys here at the
love just the same. It's the joy of being married orphanage have found
I for all these years. Maybe I'll write it in my memoirs, out about masturbat-
believe just another old man who lost his love, and went to ion, and I fear that
God put us look for life out here in the jungle. Hemmingway, yes. their obsession with
here to love privacy and self-sa-
our neighbors It's a sin, you know. We are all born from this original tisfaction will bring
as ourselves, and sin of sex. Lust. It surrounds us and eats into us. its concommitant qua-
who are you to say It halts our communion with god. Sin. Why must our rrelling over the al-
that God does not carnal desires compel us to fornication and the sin ready close quarters.
love each and every of Onan? Yea, though we know the right and the wrong
one of us? He forgives of things. Though we know the plan set forth for us, even though it is
us our sins, and asks we miss the mark. We go astray. made clear to us from the outset. Even
us to forgive others How can we become better vessels I have trouble. I look with lust upon
of theirs. I am for your will, O lord? Tell me, I beg. other men. It is my private shame. Th-
just a poor sinner, ough I try, I cannot help my
and I refuse to I was 15 when I attraction to my own sex. adulterous thoughts. I love
take upon myself first knew what Women, whom you have chosen my husband, but still these
the mantle of to call myself. as the proper companion for thoughts consume me!
God's judgeship. I am gay. You me, do not hold my interest.
should give no thought I am so sorry, Lord. Help me be strong. I think it was
to this, any more than me saying in August when I
"I have brown eyes." Something for you to notice, maybe. decided to date Lucielle. We met
Perhaps for us to tell jokes about, as my friend. I do not in secret at first, tender kisses of
ask that you accept it about me, any more than I ask that fire that would light up the night sky
you accept my brown eyes and hair. around us, leaving only the world of her
I am gay. I drive a Miata. I work at an insurance and me. My white skin glowing in her black
company. embrace. I left her in June, out of cowardice.
I am 28, and in love. I hope you'll like him when you meet him. I hear she's somewhere, doing well.
Your approval means so much to me, dad. I knew you'd love him! I remember '62 as our time of love,
as you are my best friend. he hasn't asked me to marry him, yet. hot with the youth of the Georgia sun.

I remember her walking away rejection hot upon her lips - echoing still in my head. Fear and cold grabbed
my lips. I couldn't believe I'd just broken up my heart. Punching me in the gut. Unexpected? Yes. Sure,
with the girl of my dreams, but things really just weren't working out. there were signs, but - you know
It's funny how your dreams aren't always what they seem. - you never really seem to know until it's there.

And I'll always remember the way she looked in that sweater.