The Special Project Team by Karen Blayne

Oh by the way red tape first.

Be warned these short stories contain mature content or naughty bits and as such may corrupt you if you’re under 12, 16, 18, 21 or 25 depending where you live thus if they are not suitable for you put them back on the shelf and let them age for a year or two.

They were sort of scribbled for fun. They were first posted on asstr.org. If you’ve paid money for this book just be aware the author has not received any payment. In fact no one has permission to charge money for this book and copyright is retained by the author. ©2013. Asstr.org accepts donations if you’re feeling rich or even if you’re not.

Luv Karen

Molly looked round the conference room at her new team and was scared. “So let’s get this straight everyone here has been pulled from their regular team and dumped here?” “It’s for a special project.” started one girl who seemed dressed without any pretence to fashion. “You don’t get it do you?”
“Get what?” “The special project is to lay us off.” “Surely not?” “God save us. I wouldn’t drop my knickers for the randy bastard who was my supervisor, I filed a complaint and he got fired but a year later it’s going to be my turn.” “Why?” “Well would you want someone who drops their knickers or someone who’ll file a complaint?” “Oh.” “I don’t understand why would someone want you to drop your knickers?” Molly suddenly twigged who she was dealing with. “I should have said have demanded sexual intercourse shouldn’t I? Drop your knickers is just a euphemism.” “Oh I see why didn’t you just say so? I think people should say what they mean.” “Is there anything we can do?” “Well we sort of have six months then they’ll fire us.” “Why not fire us straight away?” “If you layoff someone from the team it disrupts the team so you make a new team up then lay them all off after six months.” “So we’re doomed.”

Molly looked round the table again these guys weren’t good at thinking on their feet but they all had bits of paper to say they could think, perhaps there might be a hope? “If we can find a way to add value within the six months then we don’t get fired.”

“Hi guys I’m Andrew and it’s my very first time being a project manager. I’m sorry I’m late but I was trying to find out our project details but nothing seems to have been signed off yet.” Molly looked at him. “I think they’re hoping we’ll just get bored and leave.” A head peeped round the door, “Is this Andrew’s team?” Andrew nodded, “Oh good I’m Kendall and I’m on placement from my management course and I’ve just been reassigned.” “Said the wrong thing then?” piped up Molly. Kendall blushed, “Well in hind sight perhaps my comments were not well received. Where is the project charter by the way?” “We don’t have one.” “Do we have a budget?” She looked at Andrew “Yes we have a budget to cover the staff costs for a year and a bit of training budget etc.” “So money but nothing to do?” “We think they’re going to fire us.” Kendall looked round in horror. “Really?” “Well I’m a bit autistic and it’s happened before.”

Kendall racked her brains and tried to remember what one of her lecturers had said about handling autistic staff.

Andrew looked round the table. “Well I think we’ve talked enough for one day. I suggest you return to your offices and have a think about anything we could do that would show we’re valuable and shouldn’t be laid off.”

He racked his brains hard to think of ways to motivate the team but had an idea that these guys would either self motive or ignore him. He grabbed Kendall and dragged her down for a coffee. “So what’s the trendy thing to do these days in management circles?” “Well scientifically speaking good results have come from doing nothing. Then there is always ‘best practices’ and going through the audit reports and responding to them.” “Sounds like a plan.” She looked at him aghast. “But that’s ivory tower stuff!” He smiled at her gently. “Go and see if you can get a copy of the audit report then bring it back.” Nervously she skittered away. Andrew supped his coffee and closed his eyes to mull. “So what did you do for fame and fortune?” He opened his eyes to see the oddly dressed girl next to him. He shrugged for a moment trying to think what was odd. Body language course, girls always sat opposite not next to you, less of a threat. Oh well that meant the body language course could be ignored. “I was the one who pointed out the chairman’s favourite project couldn’t be done after they’d spent $3 million on it.” “That bad, gee I think that takes the cake. So we’re the Jeterson team then?” “Jeterson?” “Jeter to throw in French hence Jeterson, it’s a sort of play on words.” “Know anything about Best Practises?” “No but I’ll go and dig, I’m good at digging.”

That afternoon he sat with Kendall and looked through the auditor’s report. “Do we really have more than eight hundred critical databases in Access?” “According to my notes they get written by summer students or people who know spreadsheets and just get used. The problem is backups and security according to the report.” “I’ll ask Myra if we need worry about them or how much it would take to convert them.”

The next morning he gathered his group together in one of the conference rooms. “Well guys we have a number of bodies in our special project team but I think it’s time we sat down and work out how best to work as a team.” “God not team building with paint ball guns again.” “Mine was running through muddy obstacle courses.” “Get you out of your comfort zone.” “Another off site whatever that plays havoc with your family life.” Kendall looked around amazed “You guys don’t like team building exercises then?” Zelda who had objected to being reorganised by her new supervisor after doing the job for thirty five years spoke up “Well think about it, you do your best thinking curled up in a comfortable arm chair not out of your comfort zone. Lots of ideas come to you when you’re sitting around at home rather than in the office and let’s face it ideas are what keeps the company going. No its best to be aware of what your comfort zone is then ask for help if things are moving out of your comfort zone.” Kendall looked crestfallen. “No a team is a collection of people who work together, each has different strengths but they can accomplish tasks that few people can do by themselves. So we have Myra who is good at technical things but possibly not so comfortable standing up in front of a group of people and tactfully manipulating them to see a different point of view. Molly might be better.” Kendall looked thoughtful this was a different way of looking at team work.

“OK let’s start with ideas what can we do that show we would be useful to the company? First we have the audit report and lots of Access databases.”

When he turned to Myra she mentioned that the ones she’d seen often got run on an elderly dedicated PC but it was quite easy to convert them to SQL server and consolidate them onto a single server. Well he had a bit of budget so he’d buy a database server.

Two days later he was sat next to Myra as she ran the wizard to convert the Access database to SQL server. “It’s very easy to do even a manager could do it.” But not this manager thought Andrew. “Hello I’m looking for room 2314.” He turned his head to see an immaculately groomed girl who looked as if she was on her way to wedding. “I’m hoping to be picked for a two month internship, it’s unpaid but it might lead to something and it’ll be good experience won’t it?” She added trying to convince herself. “Even she could do it and you do have over 400 to do.” Andrew gave the girl directions and told her to come back when she was done. “Could she?” “I think so but you’d need to bribe her.” “What with?” “Oh get her to do the free Microsoft web courses in Excel etc then go through someone’s course book and do the exercises and the exam.” “So 50% training and 50% wizard stuff?” “Molly could probably get hold of the books. Since you’ve budget to the end of the year but we’re going to be laid off in six months you might as well spend it all.”

When Jazmin returned looking despondent Andrew asked her if she’d like a temporary job for six months, pay minimum wage but they’d let her do some training in the Microsoft office suite. Jazmin’s face lit up. “Wow really, when do I start.” Andrew gave her the link for the first module and told her she was hired as of today, but to go home and do the course on her computer at home then he’d meet her in the tele-conference conference room to go through any questions and she could do the associated class work there.

The following morning Jazmin popped her head round the conference room door. “A couple of friends did the web bit last night can they do the exercises with me?” Andrew nodded and Jazmin was followed into the room by a dozen friends. Andrew wasn’t quite sure what to do but Olivia who had followed him into the room looked at him. “Well we have over four hundred to upgrade and test, many hands make light work as the saying goes.” “You mean we all get jobs?” “Might as well spend the money whilst we can.”

Andrew set up the document camera and displayed the first exercise on the electronic white board. A dozen smart phones came up and captured the image.

Andrew knocked on the cubical wall and entered when bid. “I have some spare resources available and looking through the audit report it appears your division has some work available converting some Access databases.” “But will it interfere with our production work?” “I’m sure Jazmin here can work with you to reassure you. Perhaps there is a less critical one she can start on first?” The manager looked dubious “Leave it with me and I’ll see if we can sort something out.” Jazmin gave the manager a reassuring smile “Perhaps if I talked to your assistant?” A head was nodded as consent. As they stepped away she remarked “Well that was easy.” “The assistant?” “Oh we play badminton together.”

“Zelda your old area would like you back, they‘d like to know how you managed to get the quarterly reports out.” “I’m having too much fun here, could I just get one of Jazmin’s friends to run the reports?” “Well if you’re sure.” “I’m quite certain I couldn’t bring myself to work for the new supervisor, besides my gossip says he’s taking everyone out for a week’s off site team building exercise on army assault courses you know out of mobile phone contact so the team will bond next month just about the time we normally run an important annual job for one of our customers.” “Should I mention this to any one?” “No don’t bother the customer knows where to find me and I can do it in my sleep.” “But isn’t it documented?” “The new manager is a just do it type, so made changes but no one has updated the manuals and since I no longer work in the area it isn’t my responsibility is it.” She smiled sweetly at him.

 “But what do we do with all the database user accounts?” “Can’t we just keep them?” “They have less than one hundred staff and over four hundred database accounts.” “So just delete three hundred accounts.” “Which ones?” “Myra any ideas?” “We use Active Directory to login to the network, we could use Active Directory group accounts for the databases.”

Andrew’s phone rang from on high. Could his special project team sort out the mess caused by some off site team building exercise that had left no one on call to look after the customers? In particular one crucial customer’s job that was needed forth with, Zelda of course sorted it out by the end of the day.

“Now we all know our competitors are cutting costs and staff but no one wants to be seen making the cuts. So why don’t we set up a committee of middle managers and let them take the blame, sorry responsibility. If we set the criteria for cutting costs correctly I think we can be confident they’ll fall back on the traditional 10% across the board.” He looked round “All those in favour?” “Any against? Right then carried. Next item the Board’s Annual golf tournament now this year we thought somewhere a little different.” His voiced droned on but the board members sat up showing more of an interest in the subject.

Jazmin looked round the office and saw the visitor’s chair had a stack of papers on it so sat down in Alan’s lap. “I’m not sure you should be doing this.” “What making my progress report?” “No sitting on my lap.” “Well if I’m too heavy for you.” “No health and safety, what happens if you slip?” She took his hand and slipped it inside her jacket so it was cupping her breast. “There now all held firmly in place. Anyway I’ve come to tell you that I’ve still got thirty more databases to convert but I might not get them done before I leave.” He looked at her surprised “You’re thinking of leaving?” “Oh it was only a temporary job for six months. Andrew suspected they’d put all the awkward programmers and such in one team with no work prior to cutting them so he had budget for the staff for a year but the strong suspicion that they would be cut after six months so they decided to go out with a bang. They hired us with the money they had for the last part of the year and let us loose. Myra taught us to do the database conversions and stuff and we got our certificates saying we know all the Microsoft Office software so it wasn’t too bad really. So now it’s my last two weeks and I can misbehave. Do you like the feel of my silk blouse by the way?” She turned over and lay across his lap, “Since I’m misbehaving perhaps a gently spank on my bottom would help my behaviour in future?” He tapped her bottom lightly. “I think you’re supposed to lift my skirt out of the way, then tap my knickers to do it properly.” “I’d like a rub better please.” He gave her bottom a light rub and she wiggled so his hand was on the front of her knickers. “I like rubs on the front as well they definitely make me feel better.” She said covering his hand with hers.

“Better find you a job then hadn’t I?” Jizman looked at him, “Now that would be nice and I could give you regular progress reports whilst sitting in your lap. I think my nipples are firming up nicely want to try give them a squeeze?”

“Alan could you chair a committee to look into rightsizing the company? The board would like to reduce expenditure by 10%.” Now that was a career enhancing opportunity, “Cut costs by 10%” he offered hopefully a nod and it was accepted.

“I’ve been given the task of chairing a committee to cut costs by 10%. Jizman you know your little band of outcasts do you think they could come up with a way to cut costs by 10%?” “I’ll ask.”

“They want to cut costs by 10% any ideas any one?” “There was a sales guy in yesterday from Microsoft corporate, apparently he’s new and no one in systems wants to talk to him. You never know he might have some ideas.” “Myra take his card and go cadge a coffee off him.” “You mean go to his office?” “Yes that way if he has any ideas that run counter to systems division’s view of the world we get to hear about them and systems division don’t before we spring it on them and if he hasn’t you get a free coffee. Take Jazmin with you.” “Jazmin?” “It’s sexist but I think she could wrap their techies round her little finger.”

“We’d like to cadge a coffee off this guy please.” The receptionist raised her eyebrows but picked up the phone anyway. “Ralph there’s a both a blonde in a short skirt and a brunette carrying one of your business cards who says they’re here to cadge a coffee off you.” The security door buzzed and Ralph followed by three sales support technical guys who hadn’t anything pressing to do just at that moment stepped out. “Have we met.” “No my boss told me to come and cadge a coffee off you and see if you can save us some money.” “If you can’t then I get fired.” Added Jazmin tearfully. “Way to go Ralphie babe a real damsel in distress. Never fear sweet maid if he can’t we will ride to the rescue and save your job.” “A few details like where do you work?” “Hoskins.” The room went suddenly quiet. “I think you’d better step this way.” He guided them into a conference room with one wall covered with a large white board. “Could you describe your systems to us?” asked one techie. Myra looked round and picked up a pen “Well I know some of them which I can sketch for you but not everything.” She started to sketch. Soon the board was covered with squiggles representing databases and inter connecting data flows and Myra took a breather. “Is there any coffee?” Across the table a manager dispatched himself to get coffee sensing that his techies were showing an interest, even Jazmin’s short pleated skirt was ignored. One looking at the diagram pointed to it and came up with an idea. Another suggestion followed, Ralph scribbled away making notes.

Myra took a deep breath she wasn’t too sure about speaking in public but she had some ideas that needed to be expressed.

“If it’s just saving money then there are three main areas to start with. First is just best practises. The second is something called Identity Management. Apparently the average company employee is in something like 28 different internal databases. So their names, phone numbers etc need to be entered 28 times. The identity management software basically feeds all the other databases. So we save staff time, help desk calls etc. They think that should save us roughly 20% on the IT side but 15% on the end user side as it’s simpler for them. Finally there are the audit reports.” Jazmin had sneaked Alan in to the back of the room to hear Myra speak first hand.

Afterwards over coffee he managed to corner her. “So if you had to cut back 10% how would you do it?” “Nothing barred?” “Nothing barred.” “Best practises, the identity management bit and just ask the projects to justify themselves with a risk analysis and a business case.” “Why the last one?” “The chairman’s pet project can’t be justified on a business case basis and there are too many technical unknowns.”

“Well after much discussion we were tempted by the idea of 10% cut back across the board.” The board members congratulated themselves around the table, although they had washed their hands of it the committee had arrived at the right decision. “But eventually we decided that the best approach was to review the risk and business case for all our new projects and cancel any that no longer made sense. We also determined that on average an employee’s name and details are held on 23 different internal databases so we’ve looked at a technical solution that means we only need to enter this information once. We feel that together with better use of best practises will allow us to provide better service to our customers with fewer resources and these can be handled in the main by natural wastage. I think I can honestly say that in winning the major government contract because we were the only bidder who could meet all their complex ISO and security requirements shows how well Alan’s computer team understood the auditors’ requirements and implemented them. The committee feels that there is a definite need for a dedicated team to handle infrastructure that we depend on rather than build project specific systems.”

The team sat round on tender hooks, had they pulled it off or not. Zelda glanced down at the text message coming in from her smart phone. “You’ve done it people, it’s not official yet but the mood in the room is positive.” There was a sense of relief all round. “So lunch at L'Olivier to celebrate?” There was a general move towards the door Alan stood back to let the others go first. Myra approached and in her normal very direct way came straight to the point. “Afterwards let’s fuck.”