The Substitute by Karen Blayne

Oh by the way red tape first.

Be warned these short stories contain mature content or naughty bits and as such may corrupt you if you’re under 12, 16, 18, 21 or 25 depending where you live thus they are not suitable for you so put them back on the shelf and let them age for a year or two.

They were sort of scribbled for fun. They were first posted on asstr.org. If you’ve paid money for this book just be aware the author has not received any payment. In fact no one has permission to charge money for this book and copyright is retained by the author. All copies must be of the complete document. Asstr.org accepts donations if you’re feeling rich or even if you’re not.

Luv Karen

“Bob I know you’ve done a wonderful job on the McLean project and really you need a couple of weeks off to recover but can you do me a big favour?” An exhausted Bob looked at his boss’s boss “No?” “I’ll tell you what the problem is we put in a new regional manager who didn’t have a lot of experience and now staff transfer requests and turnover are through the roof.” “So you want me to teach him what to do?” “Not exactly, if you’re willing to just go and keep an eye on the office for a month or two as a substitute manager we thought that might calm the office down. We’re offering him a transfer to another area, one of the production hot spots, it’s a sort of sink or swim place and the past three CEOs have all done a stint there. A challenge if you like.” “And he’s stupid enough or his ego is big enough that he’ll fall for it?”

“That’s your biggest task to convince him to go voluntarily.” “And if he doesn’t?” “I’ll give you a letter to take that fires him on the spot but the transfer would look so much better and avoid any law suits.” “Do you want me to walk on water as well?” “No no there’s a new bridge now, Oh you were joking?” “Book me a first class ticket and I’ll go in the morning.” “Cynthia’s already booked you one and it departs in two hours time. Don’t worry about clothes just buy new ones when you get there and expense them.”

Bob walked into the regional office the following morning. “I hear there’s a vacancy for a line manager in the production area, if you applied it would round out your experience.” “Do you think they’d take me?” Bob picked up the phone, ten minutes later the manager was on his way to explain to his wife and children all about this new wonderful opportunity that he’d accepted. Bob threw his shoulder bag down in the manager’s office then turned and looked round for an occupied cubical. “Hi I’m Bob and I’ll be the manager here for a while, your old one has been promoted. Could you send an email to all staff announcing the change and mention if they want any leave forms signing to drop by and see me? Thanks.” He walked away and hunted down a coffee before returning to the office and having a look through his emails and the regional office accounts.

It looked as if both profits and sales were down during the previous manager’s tenure, still it wasn’t his problem as he was only hand holding the office for a short while.

At eleven there was a tentative knock on the office door and a head popped round the door. “The staff are assembled in the main conference room.” “Why?” “Mr. Forbes always liked to give an inspirational speech to the staff once a week.” Bob got up from behind his desk and followed the young lady to the conference room where an obviously uninspired staff awaited him.

“Hi I’m Bob, I’m here on a temporary basis substituting for Mr. Forbes who has had a promotion. I’m not much good at inspirational speeches so I’m cancelling this weekly meeting forthwith. Thank you for coming.” He turned away and retreated to his office where he dug in his bag and found a thick paperback he’d picked up at the airport.

At 4:30 he walked to the elevator and was surprised by how crowded it was. Next morning he was in at 7:30 and was equally surprised that no one seemed to be in the office until 8:25. He drifted by the cubical he’d stopped by the previous day. “Does every one start at 8:30 and leave at 4:30?” “Why yes that’s what Mr. Forbes demanded.”

He went back to his office and replied all to his copy of yesterday’s email to all staff changing the subject to “Overcrowded Elevators”.

Yesterday I found the elevator at 4:30 to be uncomfortably overcrowded. Therefore to ensure my comfort staff are requested where possible to change their working hours so they do not arrive at 8:30 am and leave at 4:30 pm. All staff are to keep a record of the 37.5 hours a week they work, these maybe averaged out over the month. Again to lower the demand on the elevators those staff who feel able to work at home up to three days a week should do so.

“Does that email saying the boss didn’t appreciate crowded elevators mean we now have teleworking and flextime?” “I guess so.” “Different, Forbes would just have told us to take the stairs.” “Remember when he had that thing about Briggs Myers test and how we all had six months to change ourselves into the optimum types?” “I always wondered how we were supposed to do that.”

The next email arrived shortly afterwards “In order to reduce the staff training budget surplus the entire staff is required to attend a management and team work course at the local university.” Not another one was the general reaction.

The staff assembled in one of the lecture halls. “Now before we start I’d like you all to fill in the Myers Briggs test in front of you.” The lecturer walked across and picked up a cup of coffee and waited for everyone to fill in their forms. “Now the interesting thing about this test is if you fill it out twice roughly 47% will get a different result. We know there are roughly 50 different personality traits and we can measure these on a scale of 1-100 and you probably know from your own experience that you work differently in the morning than in the afternoon. In fact many people set their work day up so that the things they do better in the morning get done in the morning. So is measuring the presence four traits at a particular time of day of any practical value? In my opinion not really, to me team work is much more being polite, making requests and working together assigning responsibilities within the team but remember I live in an ivory tower and only research the subject. Oh by the way there is a shredder in the front for you to dispose of your tests unless you want to frame it and put it on your office wall. Just a comment occasionally people want to improve their personality test results, this misunderstands what they are. They are indicators of your underlying personality nothing more. If you are reasonably intelligent you can fake a required characteristic. For example I’m introverted however I’m quite able stand up in front of you and deliver a lecture which is more normal for an extrovert. I’m motivated because I feel the subject is important to you and provided I have a period of calm before and afterwards I’m quite capable of delivering a lecture.” The staff looked at each other in amazement as the ideas flowed. This was quite a different way of looking at things than Forbe’s ideas.

Melissa put her head round Bob’s cubicle. “The Sanderson account is at its limit so what should we do?” “Are they a good customer?” “Well yes, they’ve been expanding recently so have been purchasing more.” “So you think we should increase their limit?” “I think so but Mr. Forbes would always want to make the decision himself.” “You decide.” “But what if I’m wrong?” “It’s called learning by experience, if you are uncertain in your own mind we can go through the options.” “No I’m happy, thank you.”

Over coffee there was much discussion over this unprecedented move. Allowing staff to make mistakes and learning by experience. “Perhaps we should try to keep him?” “Change his mind you mean?” “Chrissie could do it.” “I could do what?” “Coax Bob into staying.” Amanda’s ears perked up, she could help and become the office heroine not just the office junior.

She slipped away and into Bob’s office where kneeling down in front of him she had him unzipped and his erection out before he could blink. “I’m not quite certain this is what you should be doing?” “Oh you mean I’m not pretty enough?” “No it’s not that.” “Oh that’s alright then.” She lowered her mouth over his erection and tried to remember what her magazine had said about which bits were the most sensitive bits as she gave her first blow job. Bob didn’t have the heart to stop her and she was obviously concentrating very hard. Besides his body had quite other ideas and its approval spurted out. “Oh I wasn’t expecting that, it tastes saltier than I’d expected.” He handed her a box of paper handkerchiefs and let her clean herself up. “Now what was that about?” “Well we’d like you to stay and I thought that if I gave you a you know you might stay.” “And if someone had walked in on us it would be assumed that I’d coerced you and I’d be fired, which is probably not what you were after.” Amanda looked thoughtful for a moment “So all I needed to do to get rid of Forbes was to...” Bob cut her off. “Let’s just leave it there shall we?” Amanda nodded and wondered off.

Chrissie tapped on the partition “I was standing guard to make sure no one walked in.” She said with an innocent twinkle in her eye. “I have a favour to ask, it’s my sister’s birthday and I thought you might help me pick out a combination wireless and record player for her and help set it up.” “Blackmail?” He raised his eyebrows. “Oh bribery as well, Sam’s cooking a beef casserole thingy her birthday tea, she cooks double quantities and normally puts the rest in the freezer, of course of you’d prefer hotel food...” Bob groaned “No, you realise that is bribery of the most blatant type, when do we leave?”

As Bob walked through the door following in Chrissie’s footsteps pulling the office folding trolley laden with boxes her sister stepped forward and kissed him firmly on the mouth. “Oh I like this birthday present already, he tastes really nice but he’s not wearing a bow.” Chrissie blushed over her sister’s forward behaviour as Sam’s cordless phone rang, “Hi mom, Chrissie has just arrived with a male in tow. I know it must be five years since I’ve seen her with a man. No he’s not wearing a wedding ring.” Bob glanced at Chrissie who was turning a deeper red and looked likely to explode at any second when Sam handed the phone across. “Mom says you’re to bring him for his tea on Sunday and which outfit should she wear for the wedding.”

Sam grabbed Bob’s hand and propelled him into the kitchen. “What’s the point having a big sister if you can’t tease her once in a while.” She reached across the kitchen table wiggling her butt slightly as she did it showing off her stocking tops and a glimpse of thong as her flared skirt rose in the air. She looked over her shoulder at him flirtatiously, “Do you like my birthday lingerie? I brought it in Paris last summer.” “Sam I’ll kill you.” “Oh dear perhaps a tease too far?” Chrissie stormed into the kitchen, “That’s not the sort of outfit that’s suitable for entertaining my boss.” “Boss?” “Boss.” Sam looked at Bob, “But you look normal, are you really her boss?” “Temporarily I sign her leave forms.” “Oh so you have those silly rules that say you can’t date the staff and things?” Bob nodded. “And I thought you were safe.” “Safe?” “Safe as in homosexual or it doesn’t lead anywhere. If you were an item with Chrissie then kissing you and flirting with you was safe because it wouldn’t go any further. God knows what you think of me now, perhaps I’d better get changed into something more respectable and we can start over?” “Your birthday suit?” This time it was Sam’s turn to blush.

“I think you look charming just the way you are.” “Bob’s a leg man and we really ought to try to stay on the best side of my boss.” Added Chrissie. Sam looked from one to the other, “OK as long as you change into the summer dress on the left in my wardrobe, then we’ll both be showing a glimpse of ankle, besides if he’s off limits because of the HR rules I could always substitute for you. I assume you want to keep him in town.”