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The Splits
In order to make the cheerleading team, Emma knew she'd have to do "the splits." But no matter how much she practiced, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't make her legs go wide enough.
She called upon her good friends Wayne and Dwayne to help her.
"I know what the problem is," Wayne professed, after watching Emma fail to obtain the 180 degree split.
"What's that?" Emma asked.
"Your underwear. It's restricting you."
"Easily solved," Emma said, and she pushed down her panties and stepped out of them.
"Try now," Wayne said.
Emma spread her legs.
"Better, but still not all the way," Dwayne observed.
"What should I do?" Emma asked. "Tryouts are tomorrow. I'll never make it."
"Yes you will," Dwayne and Wayne concurred. "We just need to loosen you up a bit."
"What a great idea!" Emma exclaimed.
"Lie down," Dwayne said.
"And we'll each take a leg and spread you apart," Wayne added.
Emma lay down. She spread her legs. Wayne grabbed one leg, Dwayne the other. They spread them apart. Wider. Wider. But not to 180 degrees.
"It's no use," Emma sniffled. "I'll never make it."
"Let me take a closer look," Wayne said, and he knelt down between Emma's open thighs. "Aha! I think I see what the problem is," he reported.
"What?"
"Your seam is too tight," told her.
"My seam?"
"Yes. The place where your legs come together. It looks like there's and extra little flap of skin there. We get rid of that and you should be good to go."
"Good to go? Oh goodie. But how can I get rid of it?"
"I have an idea," Wayne said.
"I had the idea first," Dwayne objected.
"Did not," Wayne said.
"Did too," Dwayne argued.
"Boys, boys, don't fight, just fix me."
And fix her they did. First Wayne. Then Dwayne. Then Wayne again. Then Dwayne again. Then Wayne and Dwayne together.
"Now try," they said.
Emma tried. But she couldn't do it. She couldn't move her legs at all. She couldn't even sit up.
"Don't worry," Dwayne assured her. "We'll work on it some more tomorrow."
"You promise?" Emma said.
"Count on it," Dwayne and Wayne answered as one.
Dear Mommy and Daddy,
Guess what! I'm not a little girl pretending anymore!! After 20 years I finally made it!!!
Yup, I'm a fully-fledged Virginia A&M "Virgin" Cheerleader. I'm so happy!!!!!
It wasn't easy though. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't do the splits. Luckily I got my good friends D&W to help me out. They worked so patiently with me. The boys here are ever and always so nice!
At the outset I wasn't confident. D was on the verge of a breakthrough, pushing with what he called his Problem-Prober or PP for short, when it hurt so bad. I was nearly in tears. I maybe have even said a bad word. Ouch!!! D, a real gentleman, stopped what he was doing to make sure I was all right. I saw a bright red droplet of something on the tippy-tip of his PP. "What's that?" I blurted through my tears.
"Cherry juice," he said calmly. "It's nothing to be alarmed about. It's perfectly natural."
"Cherry juice?" I said doubtfully.
"Sure," he said, "taste it."
And he knelt down by my head and moved his PP against my lips so I could taste. I maybe have made a little face, but it wasn't bad—I'd just expected it to be sweeter.
"It's good for you," D said. "It has iron in it to make you strong." Then he got back between my legs to resume the widening exercise which would allow me to do the splits.
But only a few moments later he pulled back again, and I looked down to see what was the matter and a flood of white cream was shooting from his PP. "What's that?" I blurted. D was unable to answer, his face scrunched up as if in pain, but W explained. "It's special lubrication," he said. "It will make things go much smoother." And then he took over where D had left off.
He was right!!! It did make things go much smoother!!! W widened me and widened me, but then he too drew back, with his face scrunched up just like D's had been, and white lubricating cream lurched from his PP. Then D took over again and then W and then I lost track because my whole body seized up and I felt like an exploding star.
After that I was sure I could do the splits, but I couldn't. I was just plain paralyzed, although in a good way, feeling all dreamy and shimmery and buzzy like a lake of honey asleep in a field of sunshine.
D&W said not to worry about it. They'd come back in the morning for more treatments to make sure I didn't close up.
True to their word, they did come back. And I didn't close up!!! I opened up easily. I opened up more and more. And then I exploded again, and again and again. And after that I was so relaxed I could do the splits without even half trying. And I made the squad. I'm so fucking happy!!!!!
Love
YDVAMVCD
(That stands for Your Darling Virginia A&M Virgin Cheerleader Daughter)
P.S. I'm including a copy of the photograph D took in the mirror while W was widening me for your scrapbook.
story and illustrations by Mat Twassel |
