…From the Ashes the Phoenix Rises

By Danyealle

(FanFiction/Angst)

Chapter 7

:::…3 Months Later…:::

Sitting on the stone ledge of the open window, she stared off over the lands below as the gentle wind blew at her hair and ruffled the t-shirt and shorts she was wearing.  Unlike her time the air was so clear and smelled wonderful.  She could smell snippets of various flowers, plants and other things tantalizing her nose as they were gently tossed about on the breeze.  It was wonderful to sit here and feel the gentle caress of the wind as well as be tantalized by snippets of beautiful scents.  Heaven!

For the first time she was at the Western Fortress.  Sesshomaru had a few things he had to attend to and thought she would like a bit of a ‘vacation’ for a few days rather than go home.  When he had proposed it she had been torn between wanting to see her family and curiosity about she had heard about the fortress.  In the end her curiosity had won out and she was glad it had.  For the two days she had been there she had been having fun.  During the days she had been in the absolutely magnificent gardens playing with Rin and Shippo.  The children and their games were probably the best therapy and medicine in the world.  It was hard to be sad and depressed listening to them laugh and watching them play.

Quietly, Sesshomaru let himself into the sleep chambers she occupied through the door that connected them with his.  These chambers were supposed to be for his future mate but he had wanted here there for various reasons.  Though he had staff to watch her around the clock if needed they still weren’t as good as he was.  He knew her personality and quirks, they didn’t.

Though she was both human and miko, a double strike when it came to most youkai, the majority of his staff and guards liked the quiet, polite young woman.  She treated all of them with a kindness and respect that the majority of youkai never did.  They were small things most beings wouldn’t notice, she asked politely, not demanded, she said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, did things such as pick up after herself, little things like that.  By the end of the first day those that were dealing with her liked the little priestess.

Unlike most guests there were a few extra duties with her, the main one being checking on her from time to time to ensure she was OK.  Though she seemed to be improving he was ever cautious of her hurting herself again and the depression.  That was why he was there now.  Not knowing Kagome well, her maid had taken her staring out the window as a troublesome sign.  Though he was thankful for the young maids’ vigilance, he wasn’t worried about what he saw.  This was Kagome enjoying herself.

As usual, she had sensed him.  Turning to look at him, a small smile on her face, she asked, “Is everything OK Sesshomaru?”

“Just fine Kagome.”  He said walking over and sitting on the opposite end of the window sill from her.  “The youngster attending to you hasn’t ever seen anyone sit here and enjoy the view is all so she was worried about you.  She thought something might be wrong.”

“Tell her thanks for the concern but I’m OK.  Just enjoying the breeze and view is all.”  Then she began to ask hm about things she was seeing.

As they had done in the past; he slid behind her so he could easily discern what she was pointing at.  Because most that visited the fortress knew it and the lands well, questions like hers weren’t asked. Surprisingly, he found he was enjoying telling her about his lands and some of the stories attached to them because she was genuinely interested in what he was saying and asked questions showing her interest.

“Tomorrow I don’t have much to attend to so how would you like to go to the village to look around?”  He asked only to be rewarded with a smile, one he liked so well.  No, it wasn’t the wide brilliant ones she used to flash but was a small genuine one.

“I would like that.  Maybe I can find some gifts for my family.”

That he understood.  She liked taking presents home for her family.  Since he had been home with her a few times he had a feeling for the members there.  He was sure she could easily find something for her mother and Souta, they were easy to please and would love whatever she brought them.  Her grandfather was as well but he was sure he already had something in his possession that the old priest would adore.  “I’m sure we will be able to find something they will like.  However, I believe I’m in possession of something that your grandfather would find most acceptable.”

“What’s that?”  She asked, looking over her shoulder at him.

“A couple bottle of demon Saki from my private stores.”

“Yup!  That would make him deliriously happy!”  She said, chuckling.

“I thought he might be,” he replied, trademark smirk in place.  One of the things he wanted to get her was some kimonos.  He liked the way she dressed, yes, but thought she would look breathtakingly beautiful in some of the clothes the local seamstress crafted and was curious to see if the reality measured up to his imagination.

Speaking of clothes, he glanced down to those ultra-long legs of hers.  He would admit that he really liked these sleep-shirts of hers.  They covered her and kept her modesty but they still were ‘sexy’, that futuristic term was most appropriate in this case.  Though some of her futuristic habits were strange but ones like ‘shaving her legs’ he liked a lot.  It left her legs ultra-smooth.  Letting his eyes slowly rake up those long stems his eyes stopped at where he shorts did.  They had hiked up a bit and for the first time he saw several vertical scars placed so close together that they almost overlapped.  These were too straight and well placed to be battle scars.  Glancing over, he saw some on the other upper thigh as well.  Immediately, his mind skipped back to what her mother had told him about her ‘cutting’ on herself.  This must be where she had done that.

Unable to stop himself, he reached out and gently ran one finger lightly over the ugly, upraised marks.  “Is this where you injured yourself Kagome?”  He asked gently, face soft.

Shutting her eyes, she signed and nodded, “Yes.”

The thought of her inflicting pain on herself made something, somewhere deep inside him hurt.  Even his beast growled pitifully as thought it were suffering.  “Why Kagome?  Why would you do something like this to yourself?”  He asked.  Yes, her mother had explained it to him but he hadn’t been able to grasp the concept of it.

Sighing softly, she looked down at the ugly scars that marred the smooth, tanned skin of her thighs.  “I’m not sure I can explain it in a way you can understand Sesshomaru.”

“Please try.  I would like to at least have a bit of understanding even if I will not be able to grasp all of it.”

Quiet, she looked out the window at the white, fluffy clouds that gracefully blew on the soft wind, slowly changing shapes as they moved.  “Long before the incident with Kikyo and Inuyasha I was having problems.  I felt so weak and useless yet so many people depended on me.  At that point I was already starting to have anxiety attacks.  Though they weren’t anything like what they would become later they were the same thing.  I was also getting such intense feelings of other things, like anger and guilt, that I was having a hard time dealing with them.  By that point, when I would get like that, I would slip away from where we were, alone, and have what I termed a breakdown.  I would scream, yell, cry, whatever, until I felt better.  One day nothing I had done in the past worked.  In the end I ended up smacking a tree with the back of my hand.  Of course I had scraped and cut myself on the bark.  But as I watched the blood flow I felt better.  It was as if all those intense feelings were slowly oozing out of me with that blood.  After a while it felt like I was back to where I needed to be, like it had reset something in me and I could once again deal with things.

“Though it helped it scared me too.  I knew hurting myself to feel better wasn’t a good thing so I avoided doing it again.  But one day it got to that point again.  It was so overwhelming that nothing I did worked.  While I was in the middle of that one suddenly the vision of the pocket knife I carried in my pack popped into my head.  Then it was like it was calling to me.  After that I couldn’t stop myself.  I got it out then after a couple cuts on my leg, when it was bleeding, it was the same thing.  I could cope again.”

Sighing, she shut her eyes.  “But there was a problem with that.  It was like a drug, the more I did it the more I needed to.  It was such an easy way to end what I was feeling that I no longer needed to get to that extreme state to do it.”

Though he didn’t understand some of the terms she used he understood her explanation.  For the first time since hearing about it he at least had a bit of a grasp of the why behind it.

Understanding raised other questions as well.  With her he felt he could ask.  “How were you able to stop?  You have stopped haven’t you?”  He asked, eyebrow arched.

“Yes, I’ve stopped.  Well, the medicine helped.  It was like it aided me in being able to keep a handle on things.  Talking to the doctor I have also helped.  She assisted me to find other ways to deal with things and ways to go about handling situations.  I also learned that I can say no and that I can’t handle things.  Although I will admit since returning here it’s gotten harder.  There are times I will admit I’ve had to really fight not to do that. There are also times I’ve very close to doing it again.”

“Why haven’t you?”  He asked, genuinely curious.

Looking over her shoulder, gracing him with another smile, she said, “You’ve helped a great deal.  So did Kouga, Sango and Miroku.”

“How?”  Now he was truly puzzled. He couldn’t remember he or any of the others doing anything to curb that kind of behavior.

“Well, mostly just because you kept your word.  But there were other things as well.  You promised to protect me and keep Inuyasha away.  It’s one thing to say it; it’s another to back it up.

“The night Inuyasha had that tirade in camp, the one I walked away from.  When I got to the hot springs it was like I could once again hear the knife calling me.  But then I felt your aura and relaxed.  You were making sure I was safe and OK.  Kouga was handling the problem.  Just like you promised.  It was like you were saying, and so was everything else, that it was OK that I wasn’t strong sometimes and when I wasn’t that someone would pick up the slack.”

“It is OK Kagome.”  He said quietly.  “You don’t always have to be strong.”

“I know that now.  When I need a break, to either rest or go home, you understand and let me.  But most of all you let me lean on you and ‘use’ your strength when I didn’t have my own.  Like when I have panic attacks.  Just sitting there with you and talking to you is all it takes because of who you are.  In doing that you let me have the time to rebuild on my own.  It’s because of that I was able to gain enough to stop taking most of the medicines.”

Honestly, he was stunned.  He hadn’t realized what he was doing was more than just fulfilling his vow, he had no idea what was done was giving her what she needed to assist in fixing her problems.  But how she put it made sense and explained it in a way he could understand.  Never in his life had anyone ever told him he had helped them fix problems in that way nor could he remember doing such a thing.  As far as he could tell no one had ever ‘used’ his strength or needed it for something like that.  Honestly, he wouldn’t have thought it could be used in such a way!

Of course, his beast puffed up with pride and all but purred happily.  Somewhere, deep inside himself, something felt warm and good.  He didn’t know what it was or where it had come from but he liked it.  A lot! Gently, he turned her until she was sitting sideways on his lap then wrapped his arms around her, holding her to his chest.  “You can use my strength all you need Kagome.  If it’s there, use it as you need.  I must say I’m most flattered by what you’ve said.  I never knew I was assisting you in that way.”

Gracing him with another smile, she gently put her palm on his cheek.  “Thanks Sesshomaru.  Know it or not you did and I’m grateful to you for it.”

Looking down into those big eyes of hers, he felt a pleasant warmth surge through his body.  Without thinking he put a hand on the back of her head then inclined his own, capturing her lips with his.

Rather stunned, she didn’t stiffen up or pull away.  Instead she pressed tight to his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck.

After breaking the kiss and pulling away, no he hadn’t wanted to but he wasn’t sure how long he could maintain his self control if he hadn’t, he held her to his chest, gazing into her eyes.

Once again she cupped his cheek.  Looking up into his eyes she felt herself getting lost in them.

Rather than pull away like he knew he should have, he held her close and stayed there with her, quietly watching the clouds drift by, contented and actually happy.