Kryptonite

By Danyealle

(fanfiction/MF/HC/Abuse)

Chapter 19

As would be expected, they got a late start in the morning.  The pack woke at its usual time but Sesshomaru let Kagome sleep in.  She hadn’t slept well and a couple hours before day break finally fell into a deep sleep so the taiyoukai was content to let her stay that way while everyone else had a leisurely breakfast then discussed what had gone on after they had gone to sleep. 

After hearing what went on the natural discussion turned towards what to do to prevent it from happening again.  Miroku would be able to post sutras around the campsite that would reveal anyone that stepped through it no matter the spell cast on them to hide them. Anyone already inside when they were put up would be fine and stay hidden.  Of course the demon lord approved and wanted him to start implementing it that night.

Of course the taiyoukai got a good internal chuckle at the look on the monk and slayer’s faces when they saw him holding the little priestess.  It had been an incredulous shock that they hadn’t been able to hide.  He wasn’t sure wheat shocked them more, him holding her or her sleeping like that.  Either way it was distracting enough that it had taken them a while to focus on what was being said. 

When Kagome finally did wake up she was quiet and withdrawn.  While she ate she didn’t talk much, only answering when she had to with short answers.  Once they got moving she stayed subdued.  Riding on Ah-Un, she didn’t really talk much to anyone, just answering when she was directly spoken to.  There were dark circles under her eyes and her features were a bit drawn looking, clearly speaking of her lack of restful sleep the night before.  Sesshomaru spent the day walking beside the dragon.  No, he didn’t talk to her much; he knew that would be mostly useless because there was nothing he could say that he hadn’t already told her that would relieve what she was feeling.  All he really felt he could do was let her know he was there and touch her once in a while to let her know that.  Daoe spent the day riding perched on her shoulder.  Rather than be his usual hyper self, he sat sedately on her shoulder and just leaned against her, quiet.

Kouga spent the afternoon, after they had stopped for lunch and began moving again, trying to cheer her up by goofing and joking around a bit with her.  But it really didn’t work well.  Yes, he got a couple smiles and a few soft giggles but for the most part she didn’t come out of her shell.

From Kagome’s end all she seemed to be able to focus on was Inuyasha.  While what had been done last night is how the whole thing started that kind of morphed and ballooned until she was replaying everything the hanyou had done to her in vivid and painstaking detail.  This was not something she wanted to re-experience but she had no choice in the matter.  No matter what she did she couldn’t make it stop.  Even if she forced herself onto another train of thought, those painful memories would creep back in and stay in the background until it seemed to see an opening then would force its self back to the forefront of her consciousness.

By mid-afternoon she was sure all those memories were a form of torture and Inuyasha’s way of continuing to torment her, making sure she was continuing to suffer for having the sheer audacity to leave him.  Either that or it was a small, traitorous part of her brain’s way of convincing her to return to him, that it would continue to torture her like this if she didn’t go back to him and allow him to make it up to her. 

Then another more hysterical and instinctual side of herself was at a low level panic over it, using those horrific memories as an example of how bad things were going to be if he ever got his claws on her again.  In a high-pitched, panicked, quavering voice it lobbied for her to run to the well as fast as she could and seal the accursed thing forever once she was back in her time.  That voice also seemed to be the same one that had all kinds of doubts about Sesshomaru as well.  It was convinced that he would do the same to her that his half-brother had; only it would probably be worse this time. 

After a while another voice, one much darker that quite honestly scared her- the one she called the doomsayer, would make its self known and state flatly that she was a walking dead woman.  That when she left Inuyasha she had signed her own death warrant.  He was going to kill her it stated in a flat, hollow voice, it was only a matter of time before he did it.

It was always that particular voice that would almost send her over the edge into hysterics.  She couldn’t help it, what it said scared her, horribly.  The more she heard it, the more scared she became.  It was always the one she couldn’t shake; it stuck with her until something would happen and she could finally beat back all the memories into their box and could be able to shut them away for a while.

Finally, she was pulled out, a bit anyway, of that dark, swirling cloud that seemed to surround her by Sesshomaru’s voice telling her that they were stopping for the night.  Once they found the campsite she went on autopilot and went about the usual preparations.  Because those things were so ingrained and a habit she could do them without thinking, once more the gloom and doom seemed to surround her and the voices rose in volume, seemingly filling ever corer of her mind with the cacophonous din.

Because of the noise level in her mind what was being said around her in ‘reality’ was being tuned out slightly and shoved to the background. Yes, she heard enough of what was being said to know the topic and at least have a general idea of what was being said but the rest of it was lost to her. 

…ks…ks…ks…ks…

Once the baths and meal had been taken care of Sesshomaru took Kagome for their nightly walk. 

Tonight, though he was looking forward to time alone with her like he always did, Sesshomaru was also a bit apprehensive as well.  She had been in such a quiet and melancholy mood all day that he was bothered by it.  Yes, he was aware it had most likely been brought on by the whelp’s appearance but he was fairly certain it had triggered more than just that as a problem.  Now he wanted to know what it was.  Going about finding out and persuading her to give it up was troubling him.  It was going to be a delicate operation to get her to talk, one that he wasn’t entirely sure how to go about it.

Taking her arm in his, he led her to a small pond not far from where they were camped.  Sitting down on a rock outcropping on the edge he was quite, trying to formulate how to go about the whole thing.

Unlike the other nights they had done this Daoe hadn’t stayed at camp with the others.  Instead he had come alone with them, staying perched on her shoulder.  It was fairly obvious to him that the creature was keying off her emotional state and was, in its own way, trying to sooth and comfort her.

For a few minutes, she sat there and gently stroked the bird’s feathers then she grabbed a handful of small stones and began to toss them into the still water one by one.

Quietly, he watched the ripples spread out in the still water from the places where the stones had landed.  Normally, by this point, she would have started a conversation by now.  Tonight, however, it didn’t appear she was going to do that.  That left it up to him.  As he was trying to decide how best to kick things off she said his name very quietly.  Looking at her, he asked, “Yes Kagome?”

“Will you hold me for a while please?”  She asked him in a voice so soft and quiet that it was almost a whisper.

“Of course.”  He replied automatically.  Taking his armor off, he pulled her over onto his crossed legs and leaned her against his chest, one arm slipping around her waist to hold her.  Daoe had moved over with her, perched on her shoulder, leaning against the side of her head.

Relaxing against him, she pulled the fluffy runner of fur that was his mokomoko over her and snuggled into it, shutting her eyes.  Feeling and hearing the loud thunder of his heartbeat, she focused on that, trying to let it calm her down.

Rubbing her back gently, he held her close, resting his cheek on the top of her head.  When he felt her relax a bit and the jumble of her emotions that he was sensing from her began to level out somewhat he asked gently, “What troubles you miko?  Is it what happened last night and the dream you had?”

Curling up a bit tighter and scrunching down a bit she mumbled, “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

Expecting this, he rubbed her back some more.  “I can understand that but I don’t think keeping it to yourself and fretting over it alone is going to help.”  He told her in what he hoped was a soothing voice.

Sighing, she said nothing, focusing on the soothing sound of his heartbeat.

He gave it several minutes then asked, “Is the dream you had last night what’s troubling you the most?”

“That was the start of it, yes, but not all of it.”  She told him quietly.

“That’s where we should begin then.”  He told her.  “Talk to me Kagome, tell me about it.  Though I don’t know what it’s about it’s fairly obvious that it pains you a great deal.  Be assured, whatever you say to me will go no further unless you give me specific permission to tell someone.”

Not answering him, she thought about what he had said, mulling it over and trying to decide what she wanted to do.  Honestly, part of her did want to talk about it.  She knew talking about what is bothering you could be a cathartic thing.  But it was something that was such a painful memory that she wasn’t sure that she could force herself to spill any of it.

Sensing that she was considering it, he pressed forward.  He really didn’t want to force the issue but he wasn’t going to take no for an answer either.  “Was it about Inuyasha?”  He asked, hoping to prod her gently in the right direction.

Sighing deeply, she nodded but still said nothing.

That was at least a start was his thought.  Pressing on, he asked, “Did it have to do with how he hurt you?”

Nodding again, she quietly told him, “It was about the first time he had hit me.”

‘Now we’re getting somewhere’, he thought.  This was also an event that was bound to be very telling about what had started the whole thing and the kinds of things that set the whelp off.  So, subtly as he could be, he started asking her questions about it, just minor things like the when, where and why, prodding her along as gently as he knew how until she was talking on her own, telling him the whole thing.  Listening closely to every word that came out of her mouth, he made mental notes about what he wanted to know or ask about.

When she finally started to trail off, obviously coming to the end, he asked the few questions he had as gently as he knew how or had her explain something he hadn’t quite understood.  Once he had all the information he wanted, he was quiet, holding her tightly to him, mulling over all of what he had told her.

Clinging to him, she had buried her face in his neck and was crying softly.  Yes, she did feel a bit better having unburdened herself of it but she was also confused as hell about how else she should feel.  There were so many other emotions involved in the whole thing that they were hard to sort through and no one seemed to be a dominant, overriding one.

Holding her close, he put a hand on the back of her head, stroking it gently, trying to offer her comfort in the only real way he knew how to.  He could feel her tears dripping onto his skin and feel her body shake a bit as she cried softly but knew no way to stop the tears or truly give her the comfort she needed.  Along with that he tried to keep his beast on a short leash.  Like him, it was outraged at what had been done to her and was loudly lobbying for revenge on the boy for it.  Though he was sadistically pleased by the visions of his beast’s vision of the boy’s death by 1,000 cuts, more like being flayed alive really, he kept a very tight reign on it and his reaction to it. She was upset enough as it was and didn’t need fear of what she was feeling from him added to it.

After a while her tears finally dried up and she just stayed in that position with her eyes closed.  Daoe had hopped down from her shoulder to her lap and stayed there, leaning against her stomach.  Gently, she stroked his head with the backs of two fingers.

Once he had himself fully under control and was sure his beast was on a tight leash, he gently nuzzled her head with his.  That was an old inu trick meant to sooth and comfort.  “I vow to you that you’ll never have to worry about me, or anyone else, treating you in such a manner ever again!  You are my Lady, I and everyone else, will treat you as such.”  He told her in a quiet but resolute voice.

“I want to believe you when you say that, really I do, I just can’t anymore.  I believed Inuyasha when he promised me that too.  Now… Well…” she didn’t finish the sentence, just clung to him tightly, eyes shut, unsure what his reaction would be.  When she didn’t hear anything from him for what seemed to be one very long minute, she added, voice a barely audible whisper, “Please don’t be mad at me!”

Putting a crooked finger under chin, he tilted her head up until her face was upturned to his.  When she opened her eyes he could very easily see the fear in them.   “I’m not mad at you.”  He reassured her gently.  “How could I be mad at you for telling me the truth about how you feel?

“Of there is any being I’m mad at because of this it’s Inuyasha.  What you feel is because of his actions and lies not you or anything I’ve done.  He abused your trusting and forgiving nature then used your love to get you to forgive him.  That’s what had gotten you to the point you are now and the reason you feel that way.  For that I cannot be angry at you.  All you’re doing is protecting yourself.  I can appreciate that.”

Cupping her cheek gently, stroking it with his thumb, he continued on.  “Kagome… All you were to him was an outlet for his frustration.  That isn’t something I need.  Nor do I need to beat on or abuse someone smaller and weaker than I am to feel better about myself.  For those reasons, and many more, you’ll never have a reason to fear me or what I may do to you.  In any way.”  He told her firmly.  Yes, he had told her this several times by now but he felt that if he kept telling her and backed it up then the trust she once hand in him may come back more quickly.

“Part of me knows that, really it does.  But now there are so many doubts that part of me just can’t believe it.”  She sighed.

“Perfectly understandable.”  He told her with a nod.  “One can only be promised the moon only to be denied it so many times before they start to doubt what they’re being told”  Gently pushing her head back into the crook of his neck again, he gave her a quick peck on the top of her head before once more resuming stroking it.  What she had said, all of it, disturbed him greatly but when she spoke about trusting him there was a bit of hope there.  So, as he perceived it, if he just kept doing what he was then, though it would take time, she would be able to regain her trust.  It would just take time it all.  That, he well knew, they had a lot of at this point.

Beyond just that, there were other things he wanted to tell her and reveal, things he knew that would probably help him in that area, but that was so hard for him to do.  He was used to keeping those things locked away and not let any being see them.  But if he would let her in then it would help, both of them.  Reasoning with himself he pointed out that she was going to be sharing his life with him.  If he couldn’t let her in then what was the point of taking her as a mate?  He was asking her to trust him but how would she be able to do that if he, in turn, didn’t trust her enough to let her into his life?  Really, it couldn’t happen.  So he was going to work with it. 

He could sense that she was calming down but not a lot.  Being fairly certain that if they kept on the topic they were that she would just get more upset he decided to shift the focus slightly.  “You know I care for you, don’t you?”  He asked her quietly.

Nodding, she replied, “Yes.  We’ve been pretty good friend for quite a while now.”

“Yes, we have.  But I care for you more than just as a friend.”  He admitted to her in a very quiet voice.  That one sentence had been about the hardest thing he had ever uttered.  Now he had to wait for her reaction to it.

Looking at him without moving her head, she smiled a little bit.  “What do you mean by ‘as more than a friend’?”  She asked quietly.

Sighing, he gave his head a little shake.  “I don’t know.”  He told her honestly.  “All I know is that I care for you a great deal beyond just the friendship we used to share.  I also know it’s far different than what I feel for Rin.  Her, I will readily admit, I see like a daughter.  You are different than that, very different.”

“Okay…”  She said, smile growing a bit bigger.

Though a part of him that was still insecure about revealing what he had, wanted to ask her how she felt about him but he restrained himself from asking. Logically, he figured that if she allowed and wanted him to hold her like this whatever she was feeling was beyond friendship as well.  As far as he knew no other friend of hers held her like this so that spoke volumes.  Plus she was opening up to him in a way that she hadn’t any other of her friends.  Yes, part of that, he was sure, was the place he held in her life but he was sure there was more to it than just that. 

But his beast chose that minute to chime in.  It told him to shut his eyes and concentrate on her aura.  Just feel what was there and he would understand what she felt for him.  Doing what it said, he shut his eyes and concentrated.  Mostly he felt her fear, hurt, pain and confusion but beneath that there was more.  Swirling around was also what she felt for him.  He was greatly heartened when it seemed to show that she felt much the same way he did.  Relieved, he gave her a bit of a squeeze then gently nudged her head up a bit then kissed her gently.  Though it was much the same as that first kiss they shared it was a bit more intense and lingering this time

When he broke it off he leaned his bead back against hers, feeling good, a warmth seeming to rush through his body.  When he was finally able to find his voice he said, gently, “You’re still upset.  Would you like me to hold you while you sleep again tonight?”

Smiling, she felt a bit better as well.  Slipping an arm around his waist, she gave him a gentle squeeze.  “Yes please.  But, then again, I would like it if you did that every night.”  She told him in a quiet voice.

He smirked at that and his beast sprawled out on it’s back, tongue hanging out the side of its mouth, emitting a growl that sounded very purr-like, tail wagging lazily.  “I believe, my miko, that we can arrange that.”  He told her in a voice that had a bit of a sultry tone to it.

Looking at him, she asked, “Won’t that make you uncomfortable?  I know you’re not big on showing affection, especially in front of others.  I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to just to make me happy.”

Looking down at her, he contemplated it for a minute or so, brow furrowed a bit.  She was right; he wasn’t one for that stuff, let alone doing such a thing in front of others.  But somehow he didn’t seem to mind the pack seeing him doing such a thing.  Maybe it was because of her relationship with them and how close they were.  Or, possibly, because packs were very much seen as a family and as such, especially because they knew of their relationship, that it didn’t bother him.  Either way he, quite honestly, didn’t give a damn if they saw or not.  “I don’t care what they see.”  He finally said, looking into her eyes.

“Alright.”  She said with a bit of a bigger smile.  “As long as it doesn’t bother you.”  Burrowing a bit closer to him, she shut her eyes again.  “Do you mind if we stay here for a while longer?”

Rubbing one hand up and down her back softly, resting his cheek against her forehead, he told her, “That’s acceptable.  Let me know when you’re ready to return to camp.”

…ks…ks…ks…ks…

When the two rejoined the rest of the pack they were sitting around the fire playing a game of cards.  Though she felt a bit better having unburdened herself, Kagome still wasn’t back to her ‘old self’ yet and really wasn’t in the mood to play.  Sesshomaru, however, decided to join them.  While he played Kagome curled up on his lap, resting her head on his chest, dozing lightly.

The taiyoukai was well aware of the odd looks being shot his direction as he held her but chose to ignore them.  He didn’t feel that he had to explain to anyone his treatment of Kagome.  It was his opinion that soon they would get used to it and understand that he was doing it because he cared about her.

While he played his mind played over and over the things she had told him while they were alone.  Yes, what she had told him about the boy dominated his thoughts but her telling him she wanted him to hold her every night kept popping into his mind.  Those simple words, each time they repeated themselves, made him feel good and a tingling warmth seem to surge through his body.  Each time that happened he wanted to hug her to his body and touch her in such a way that would show her how good it felt to think about it.  Though he resisted doing that he did allow himself the indulgence of touching her on some way to express how he felt. 

About midway though the game he found himself beginning to really look forward to bedtime so that he could hold her tightly to him and feel her pressed to his body in a bit more of an intimate way.  In fact, as time stretched on, he found himself wishing things would move along faster.  No, he didn’t feel that he should end things early, that would look odd without an obvious reason, but he kept wishing something would crop up so that it would end.

About an hour before they normally called it a night Kagome found herself hitting exhaustion levels.  Unable to keep her eyes open any longer, she rubbed her eyes and looked up at the demon lord.  “When this hand’s done can we head to bed please?  I’m really tired.”  She told him, yawning hugely.

“Of course Kagome.”  He said stoically with a nod.  Internally he gave a joyful howl and all but did a version of the inu happy dance.  Of course his beast’s tail was wagging happily.

Once they played the final card on that hand, he excused himself then had Kagome gather up her bedding then they moved to a place at the edge of camp.  Having her fold up the sleeping bag, he then sat down on it.   She grabbed one of her pillows then curled up on his lap and rested her head against his chest, pulling his mokomoko over her, snuggling down to get comfortable. 

Taking the pillow, he put it behind his head against the large boulder he was leaning against and allowed himself to relax, eyes shutting.  This felt so good, so right, he thought.  And, honestly, he didn’t give a damn what anyone thought about what they saw!