It Is What It Is

By Danyealle

(MF/angst/fanfiction)

Chapter 3

More Consequences

Curled up in her sleeping bag, facing away from her friends, Kagome laid there with her eyes shut. To everyone she would appear to be asleep but she was far from it. In fact she very much doubted that she had gotten more than a couple hours of broken sleep a night for the last few weeks. Without that she had already been moody and emotional and with no sleep had most assuredly aggravated the hell out of it. It had been so bad; in fact, that her friends had all asked her what was wrong. Of course she had slipped on her chipper face and professed that she was fine. Although they said nothing, she knew that they hadn’t bought it and since then they kept shooting her worried looks. Even Inuyasha was treating her with kid gloves, something that freaked her out.

Any other time she could have talked to one of them about what was bothering her and they would have gladly listened. But she couldn’t do that this time. She wouldn’t get beyond, “well you see, I’ve been having sex with Sesshomaru for about a year now…” when all hell would break loose and she wouldn’t get to the real crux of the problem.

Merely thinking the demon lord’s name made her heart ache and her eyes burn with tears.  Fighting the urge to hitch a deep sigh, Kagome just laid there and tried to control her emotions.

In the last year her life had become so much more complicated.  All thanks to her ‘relationship’ with Sesshomaru.  No, the sex wasn’t the reason either.

If it was just the sex end of it she very much doubted she would be having the problems she was.  No, the real problem was that she was an idiot!  That’s what it boiled down to anyway.

The first few times the sex was the only thing it had been all it was about and she would freely and willingly admit that she had completely enjoyed it.  He was an amazing lover that knew how to make her scream in pleasure.  She had looked forward to those meetings and anticipated the sinfully wicked things he would do to her body.  But after a few months things had begun to change for her.

Honestly, Kagome wasn’t completely sure when it started changing or why because she hadn’t noticed it at the time. She had begun to notice it when they started spending time after sex relaxing and talking.  Yes, she had always found him physically attractive but she noticed she was beginning to become attracted to him in another way.  It was as though she was being drawn to the demon lord and something powerful was building in her.

About that time Kagome also began to notice something else; a waning interest in Inuyasha as any more than just a friend.  It was as though she was comparing him to his half-brother and he wasn’t able to compete.  She would be the first to admit that since her and Sesshomaru had more contact in a civilized manner that he had treated her very respectfully, never talking down to her or making snide comments.  On the other hand Inuyasha did just that, not to mention his attitude and behavior. Compared to Sesshomaru, Inuyasha seemed to be like an immature teenager.  Finally, the shine was off the apple and her attraction to the hanyou was slowly dying.

It seemed that Inuyasha had sensed she was slipping away from him in some way and went to work trying to woo and win her back. Rather than be flattered and revel in the attention the way she would have been in the past she was left cold by it. Kagome just wasn’t taken in by his fumbling attempts anymore. Though she smiled and thanked him, pretending to adore it as those around her would expect, it did nothing for her. However, she did suspect Inuyasha realized it wasn’t working because he kept it up and became more elaborate. Honestly, she kept hoping that either the infatuation with Sesshomaru would die or Inuyasha would do something to win her back so that her life could go back to ‘normal’. But being realistic, she knew that wasn’t going to happen. 

When it reached the point that she and Sesshomaru were seeing each other more than once a week on a regular basis she had falling into a fairly deep depression. No longer was she seeing him for the sex, she was there just to be with him and to feel his touch. Being honest with herself, Kagome knew she break it off with him before she ended up in the same situation she had with Inuyasha. Having her heart broken once more wasn’t something she needed in her life but she seemed to be powerless to end it before it reached that stage, or so it seemed. Then he had begun to act softer and much nicer. Yes, she had adored it and it felt wonderful, like she was the most special woman in the whole world and that he cared about her in a way that had nothing to do with the sex they shared. But when she would leave him after they were done she could feel her heart break a little. She had fallen hard for him and the new softer side he was showing had just given her more reasons to fall for him. It was then that Kagome began to sink deeper into her depression and started trying to distance herself from him. At that point the rational part of herself told her that it was time to break it off before she got any more attached to him or before her feelings could grow any stronger. Realistically she knew she should, that doing that was for the best, but she couldn’t bring herself to follow that advice. There were times when she knew he was close by but didn’t go to him, vowing that she was ending it but, like an addict craving their fix, she ended up caving in then going to him, unable to force herself to stay away.

It was at that point in time she had begun to withdraw further from Sesshomaru but her friends as well. Most of the time she just wanted to be left alone so she could think, to try to figure out how to fix the situation she was in. But most of all she was so tired. All she really wanted to do all the time was sleep. To her, sleep was the magic bullet that might hold the key to fixing her problem.  The solution to the whole thing would only come if she was clear headed and rested. But the problem with that was she wasn’t able to get more than a few hours sleep a night and hadn’t been able to for weeks. Kagome was beyond exhausted, both physically and emotionally, but she still couldn’t get the sleep her mind and body was screaming for. Most of the time she just laid there with her eyes shut, her brain spinning quickly, bouncing all over, unable to slow down to rest.

Needless to say, she was in a perpetual state of exhaustion all the time. Bone-weary and unable to get the rest she so desperately needed took it’s toll on her emotionally. Yes, she would admit that she was an emotional person to begin with so the whole situation made it much worse than normal. Her flash-fire temper fuse was short to start with left her with basically no fuse at all and it took next to nothing to set her off. She also found that it took next to nothing, and sometimes nothing at all, to reduce her to a blubbering mess. In fact, most nights the only way she was able to get what little sleep she did was after she had cried, silently so that no one could hear her, until she was so dead tired she dropped off to sleep.

Until all of this she hadn’t known a person could hurt so completely and totally without having a physical injury. But that’s what she felt like, that all of her hurt in one way or another. The worst part, that added the most pain to the situation, was she felt so alone, more than she had in her entire life. Yes, she was either with her friends or family but she felt completely and utterly alone. Usually Kagome would have someone she could talk to for advice but this time she felt she had no one she could turn to so she could unburden herself or even just a shoulder to cry on.  She had allowed herself to become involved in something that no one she knew would understand.

Once again Kagome felt her eyes burn in a familiar way then tears start to trickle down her cheeks even though she desperately tried to stop them. Heaving a mental sigh, she gave up and let her emotions run their course. Morosely, she wondered what had gone on in her life that caused her to fall in love with the male of the species that were destined to cause her so much pain and anguish. Why was it that she couldn’t fall for someone who wouldn’t be destined to break her heart? One would have thought that she would have learned her lesson with Inuyasha but no, of course she didn’t. Instead she had fallen for his cold and deadly older half-brother. At least with Inuyasha there had been hope of a relationship and the possibility that it could lead somewhere.  With Sesshomaru there wasn’t. The worst part was that she had known that from the start but it hadn’t seemed to filter into the right area of her brain because she had fallen for him anyway.  She would have thought that she would have learned her lesson with Inuyasha but apparently she hadn’t.

Giving another mental sigh, Kagome realized that something had to be done about the situation because it couldn’t go on like this. It wasn’t just the emotional toll that was a problem it was bleeding into other areas as well. On the jewel and Naraku hunt you had to be on your toes because you never knew what you were going to run into or what was going to be thrown at you.  This whole situation was affecting that area and it wasn’t fair to the rest of her traveling companions. There was no way she wanted to burden her friends with more than they already had to deal with.

Despite how much it was going to hurt and how much she didn’t want to do it she knew what she had to do. She had to end things with Sesshomaru. Really, it was the only way she could see to fix the problem.

Yes, that was what she felt she needed to do but could she take that step and really do it? That Kagome wasn’t sure about. Over the past few months she had tired to stay away from him so she could end it, really tried, but she just couldn’t do it. In fact, she had a similar mental debate as this one at that time and had come to much the same conclusion as she had this time yet she still hadn’t been able to end it. Her resolve had been strong and she knew it was the right thing but once more she had gone back to him and her resolve had totally dissolved then scattered to the four winds.

Groaning, Kagome flopped over onto her stomach, making sure to keep her face turned away from the fire so that her friends couldn’t see her tears. Burrowing down deeper into the sleeping bag and pillow, she forced herself to direct her thoughts somewhere else. Of course that somewhere else had to do with a certain demon lord. Even in a mere dream it seemed that his stoic visage had the power to sooth and comfort her. Soon her tears had dried and her body and mind let the sleep she so desperately needed claim her.