"Where are we going?" I asked as we set off.
"One of the smaller places," Antonia answered. "They'll be happy with cash."
I suddenly realised that I hadn't the faintest idea what was going on. Antonia had decided that I needed better wheels and suddenly, here we were, off somewhere to buy something I wasn't certain I wanted without the faintest idea of what I was going to do when I got there. I also realised I wasn't particularly happy about it. I pulled the car into the side of the road. "I'm not going anywhere until I know what we're doing why," I said.
"Don't you trust me?" Antonia said, teasingly.
"It isn't about trust. It's about knowing what the hell is going on. I feel I'm being steamrollered into this."
She giggled and patted my hand. "Trust Auntie. We're going to buy you a good second-hand car. As I said, my brother was car daft when he was younger and you couldn't be around him without learning a bit about them. We want to avoid the main dealers because they'll want all sorts of paperwork and don't deal in cash. So we're going to visit the smaller places. Now many of them are shysters - real Del-boy types - slap a coat of paint on a wreck and tell you it's had one careful lady owner. I think I can remember enough to avoid the most obvious pitfalls. You okay with that?"
"Yes, thanks. And I'll add to it. You know one of Charles's powers is that he can find out about things if he's in the presence of the right people and has a focus so he should be able to tell us if a car is real or crap."
"I like it," Antonia said.
"Er, can I ask a question?" Harry said tentatively.
"Fire away."
"Well, Charles…" she stumbled over the name, "…persuaded Tonia and Debbie and I to be with you, right?"
"Yes, go on."
"Well, it's just a thought, but could he persuade the salesman to tell the truth and ask for a fair price?"
Antonia and I exchanged astonished glances.
"Blow me," I said. "I never even considered that. Harry, you're a genius."
Antonia swivelled round to give Harry an admiring look. "If you weren't so far away, I'd kiss you," she said.
Harry wriggled with pleasure.
"Right. So our first stop is one of the big franchises so Charles can learn all about cars, then we go a-hunting."
"Did it occur to you to ask if I could or would do this?" Charles complained in my head.
"Shut up, Charles," I thought back.
He sighed. "Why do you make things so unnecessarily complicated? Show me the vehicle you want and I'll make one. Why all this rigmarole and fol-de-rol?"
It was my turn to sigh.
"What's up?" Tonia asked.
"Just Charles being his usual helpful self. Wants to create a car out of thin air. Would you do me a favour and tell him about registration and road tax and insurance, please, so I can concentrate on driving?"
Feeling somewhat foolish talking to thin air, Antonia explained about Vehicle Identification Numbers and registration plates and the DVLC and Road Tax and Certificates of Insurance.
"Now do you understand?" I thought at Charles when she'd finished.
"Load of stupid nonsense," he muttered.
"Thanks," I said to Antonia. "I think he's got the picture."
"How do you know?"
"He gets rude and huffy."
From the back seat Harry giggled. "Actually, that was cool," she said. "I didn't know half that stuff before."
"Glad to be of service." Antonia said.
We visited one of the large, franchised used car dealers first and the girls had a fine time teasing the salesman who couldn't tear his eyes off Antonia, especially when she bent down to stick her head into the interior of a car, which she did with alarming frequency. Harry took the opposite tactic and draped herself over bonnets, pretending to be bored with the whole thing but sticking out her chest and watching the salesmen out of the side of her eyes. I managed to keep a straight face throughout, though with some difficulty.
We strolled through the selection of cars, Antonia asking inane questions and Harry pouting like mad. Perhaps because he was so distracted, the salesman let loose more information about his wares than he probably should have. After an hour we decided we had enough. The women thanked the salesman profusely for his time and we sauntered off.
"That was fun," Harry said when we were back on the road, her eyes shining. "I wouldn't have dared behave like that if you two hadn't been there."
"Same here," Antonia said. "We bring out the best in each other."
I shook my head and laughed. "Best? You're a couple of exhibitionists. That poor man's probably rushed straight to the toilet to relieve himself."
"That's disgusting," Harry said primly.
"But good fun," Antonia added and they burst into fits of giggles.
Eventually they calmed down enough for Antonia to direct me to a garage she remembered.
"No flirting," she said as we pulled up outside. "This is business."
This place was a stark contrast to the franchise dealer. It was scruffy. The cars were crammed tightly into a small, tatty lot. There was no comfortable office, only a small stone building with dirty windows. The cars were a quite old and had obviously seen better days.
"This is yucky," Harry said.
"It's gone downhill a bit," Antonia admitted. "Still, we might as well see what there is."
As soon as we entered the lot, a man emerged from the building. Like his wares he had seen better days. His three-piece suit was frayed at the cuffs and needed cleaning and there was a food stain on his tie. His smile was as oily as his hair and went no further than his mouth. I disliked him on sight.
"Good afternoon," he said unctuously. "Looking for a car, are we? You've come to the right place. All quality vehicles and excellent runners."
"Tell you what," I said. "There's no need for you to be out here in the cold. We'll wander round for a while and see if there's anything we're interested in and then come and talk to you. Okay?"
"Not at all," he said too heartily. "Just tell me what sort of vehicle you're interested in and I'll take you directly to the perfect vehicle. Plenty of choice. Is the vehicle for yourself, sir? Or one of your lady friends? A nice little runner for the younger girl? Your niece, is she?"
"At the moment we've no fixed ideas. We're only looking," I said, liking him less and less every minute. "Charles, make him go away," I thought.
His eyes took on a slightly glazed look. "In that case, sir, I'll just let you look. I'll be in the office if you need me."
He slunk back to his shack.
"Ugh," I said to Antonia, who was examining the cars on offer. "What an odious little bastard."
"Hasn't changed then." she said. "I think that's even the same suit he was wearing the last time I saw him." She pointed at a car. It was nearly ten years old but looked very smart with gleaming paintwork. "Now, this thing is a wreck. See here and here and here? That's been painted over. Without primer, too, I'll bet. It'll be rusted through within a year." She opened a door and lifted the carpet. She took off one shoe and, balancing carefully on one foot, banged the heel against the floor. Little flakes of rust flew up. "Better with a screwdriver," she grinned. I had Charles make one and presented it to her. She gave the floor a vicious poke and large flakes broke away. "See what I mean?"
"I'm impressed," I said. "It looks like a nice car, too."
"It's supposed to look like a nice car so you buy it," she retorted. "It's what you don't see that's important."
"Makes sense."
She knelt down and peered underneath. I resisted the obvious temptation. She poked and prodded with the screwdriver.
"Exhaust's shot and the rust has been covered over with rubber paint." Harry and I exchanged astonished looks. "Let's look around and see if there's anything worth buying at all. To tell you the truth, even your old rattletrap is in better condition than some of these."
"Well, it has only had one careful owner…" I said. She raised an eyebrow. "And me." I smirked.
We scoured the lot, especially the rear where Antonia said the better cars were normally tucked away. We found two possibles. I went to fetch the owner who was staring out of the window looking most agitated. He was clearly not happy about us wandering freely around his lot but couldn't break Charles's compulsion. We indicated the first of our choices.
"Good choice, sir. Very reliable cars, these. This is the SE model and comes with CD player and electric front windows and velour upholstery. Got the 2 litre engine, too, so you won't be lacking power." He was almost rubbing his hands.
Antonia stuck her head inside and looked at the milometer. "That the correct mileage?"
"Yes. Not bad for a car of its age."
"You say it's reliable. Do you have the service history?"
He started to say something but stopped. He tried again. The words wouldn't come out of his mouth. "No," he finally admitted. "Unfortunately the previous owner mislaid them." From the look on his face these were not the words he meant to say. "Hardly surprising when you consider the age," he went on more brightly.
Antonia gave him a look. "When was it last serviced?"
Again an agonising wait while he struggled to say something that wouldn't come out. "It hasn't been serviced." The words were forced from his unwilling lips.
"Oh? Why's that?"
"It was in an accident?"
"I see. Write off was it?"
"Glug… glug…. Yes."
"Thank you," Antonia beamed.
Five minutes later we were on the road again. The other possible had belonged to a rep, had been driven into the ground and the big ends were shot.
"How nice to meet and honest used-car salesman," Antonia chortled.
"I thought he would choke when he told us about the engine problems," Harry added.
"Do you think we should leave him with Charles's compulsion?" Antonia asked archly.
"Shit. Better not, I suppose. While it seems a shame to let a slime-bag like that rip the public off, I suppose I should remove it," I said.
The next place we visited was better. The lot was cleaner and the cars seemed better cared for. To save time I had Charles make the owner ignore us until we had finished looking. We found four possibles this time, one of which I particularly fancied. Harry took a shine to it, too.
"A hot hatch," Antonia said with a smile. "Good for pulling birds." She laughed at my rueful expression. "It's a nice car, though - if it hasn't been thrashed into the ground."
We released the owner and showed him our choices, leaving the 'hot hatch' til last. Surprisingly, two of the first three were okay. When we got to our final choice, he smiled.
"There's a wee story attached to this car," he said. "Look at the mileage." We did. It was ridiculously low. "That's the genuine article. Not once round the clock nor wound back. I've even got the service history to prove it."
"We're hooked," I said. "What's the story?"
"Well, it belonged to a middle-aged gentleman. He retired early and had a rush of blood to the head and decided he would re-live his youth by buying this. His wife was none too pleased, I can tell you. Well, he tootled about in it for a while, no doubt enjoying the image of being a boy-racer again. But then he died - heart attack. Dropped dead in the street. Terrible thing. Only in his late fifties, too." He shook his head sadly. "Anyway, of course his wife wanted nothing to do his 'folly' as she called it, and brought it in to me. It's not my usual sort of thing but it was too good a car to miss." He grinned. "So I can honestly say that it's had one careful owner."
Almost despite myself, I liked him. I know it was Charles's influence that was making him honest but he seemed genuinely open and friendly. I was sold. I glanced at Antonia who gave a tiny nod.
"I like it," I said.
"Thought you might. Twin, overhead cams. 16-valve, 1.8 engine with turbocharger. Lowered suspension. 17-inch alloys…"
I held up my hand to stop the flow. "You lost me after the second word," I said. "I couldn't care less about the technical stuff. I just like the look of it."
"It is quite a looker. The performance model is nicer than the standard one. I'm almost tempted to keep it for myself but the wife wouldn't approve."
I grinned. "I don't have that problem, yet. Any chance of a test drive?"
He looked a bit uncertain. Antonia saw his problem.
"You on your own today?"
"Yes. Normally my partner'd be here but he's off sick."
"Well, if we were to leave you with a deposit of, say, £1,000 would that be okay?"
"A thousand?"
"Call it a note of intent," she smiled. "If we like it we'll talk terms when we get back."
"Fine." He seemed slightly thunderstruck. "I'll get you a receipt. Oh, and if you could make it no more than half an hour or so? No driving to Inverness and back."
"Half an hour sounds fine." I said then, turning to Antonia I asked, "D'you think we could make it to Perth and back?"
He was chuckling as he entered his office and still smiling as he returned with the receipt. "Try the by-pass and let it rip," he said. "But you pay the speeding ticket."
The car was all he said it would be. I found a clear space and got it up briefly over the ton before throttling back to a more respectable speed.
"What do you think?" I asked the ladies.
"Buy it," Antonia said.
"Oh, yeah! Cool car," Harry enthused.
On the half-hour we were seated in the office.
"From the look on your faces I take it you liked the car?" he said.
"We did," Antonia agreed. "Let's talk business."
He looked a bit surprised that it was she rather than I that was doing the negotiating. For the first few minutes he was slightly patronising as if he couldn't believe a woman would know about car prices. He quickly changed his tune. Antonia was relentless in pursuing him for the edge.
In the end he threw his hands up and said, "I'm sorry, Miss, this is a private business. I can't offer free insurance or maintenance or warranties or other stuff the franchises can offer. Most of my stuff is low margin so I need to make a decent profit on this car. The best I can do is to fill the tank up for you."
Antonia smiled sweetly. "That will do just fine." she said then turned to me. "You okay with that?"
"It seems a fair price to me," I agreed.
He was speechless. "But… why…?"
"Why all the rigmarole? Partly because it's fun but mainly to make sure you were demanding an honest price. I had to know what your bottom line was."
"Bottom line?"
"Yes. When you enter a negotiation, always know your bottom line; the point where you say 'here and no further' and be prepared to break off the negotiations when you reach it."
"Well, I'll be… I'll remember that." He stood and held out his hand, a look of genuine respect on his face. "I can't say it's been a pleasure doing business with you Miss…"
"Lockhart."
"…Miss Lockhart, but it's certainly been interesting. And you, sir," he turned and shook my hand. "Hang on to this one. Beautiful, brainy and more balls than snooker table."
"I intend to," I smiled.
"About payment…" he continued.
"Would cash be okay?" Antonia asked calmly.
"Cash?" He sat down with a bump.
She nodded. "Half today and half on delivery. Oh, and you can make the receipt out for any reasonable value."
He looked as if he's been hit by a train. "Cash… half now… receipt…" he muttered, shaking his head. Pulling himself together, he stood. "That will be fine, Miss Lockhart."
"Be right back," I said and went to the car, where, with the pretence of digging under the seat, I had Charles make slightly more than the required amount in a large envelope.
"You sure you're not in the business?" the salesman was asking Antonia when I returned.
"My brother used to be," she grinned. "And I'm an accountant."
"I might have guessed," he laughed. "Can't get much past an accountant."
I counted out his money and we left after another round of handshakes."
Harry could hardly contain herself. "That was awesome, Antonia. How do you do it? The look on his face when you offered him cash. And without even blinking. You're so clever."
She was wriggling around in her excitement. Antonia and I exchanged glances. We took poor Harry home and made her scream with ecstasy as we double-teamed her. Then, of course, she had to return the favour for Antonia so we double-teamed her. Then, of course, they wanted to turn on me but it was getting late and we were all starving so I declined the offer.
It was late when I delivered a very tired but happy Harry to her door.
"That was the best weekend I've ever spent," she said, seriously. "I don't know how to say thank you for all you've done for me."
"You don't have to say thank you at all," I replied equally seriously. "You gave Antonia and me as much as we gave you."
She kissed me long and deeply before skipping up the path.