e had been on holiday for three days and, so far, had done nothing but have sex. Exciting and fun though that was, we had come for a more serious purpose. What's more, the ladies, not having Charles's instant refresher cure, were feeling, to put it crudely, shagged out, so there was not much disagreement when I suggested we should start on our 'investment plan'.
The first order of the day was to find out how Euros worked. I had Charles make a couple of hundred pounds and went in search of the nearest bank. While I was doing that, Tonia and Lola went hunting for stationery. Getting the necessary information was not as easy as it had been at home. No-one in the first bank knew anything about the security system that was used when printing Euros and we had to go into the centre of the town to find a larger branch before we were successful. Once outside, I had Charles make another couple of hundred Euros which I used to buy the ladies necklaces. He was suitably scathing about my lack of faith in his abilities.
"It never hurts to be cautious," I thought mildly. "And, besides, I've got a nice present for the ladies."
"Present-schmesent," he muttered. "I really do not understand why you worry so much about these females."
"Watch your mouth," I told him. "We've been through this before."
He subsided, still grumbling.
The ladies thanked me generously for the necklaces, putting far more effort into their 'thank-yous' than I had into acquiring the gifts. I wondered what would happen when I bought them something really expensive. After we had recovered, Charles made several thousand Euros, Tonia wrote bank details on the envelopes which Lola and I stuffed with thousand-Euro lots and sealed.
"Are we ready?" I said.
"I suppose so," Tonia said.
Now the moment had come we were all suddenly reluctant to start. This was it. We were about the break the law in a big way. The instant I handed over the first envelope we were committed and would have to play the game to the end. There would be no retreat; no way back. We would be criminals in the eyes of the law for ever more. Up to now it had been a sort of game but now the magnitude of what we were about to hit us hard.
"Well, I suppose…" I said.
"Yes. Let's…" Tonia couldn't meet my eye.
"This is it," Lola said.
"Yup. This is it," I said.
We stood around indecisively for a few moments then Lola squared her shoulders.
"Look, do we believe in our plan?" she said almost fiercely.
"Of course," I said and Tonia nodded.
"We've thought it all through," Lola continued. "And we've planned it in detail. And we believe it'll work, yes?" We nodded. "Then let's go and do it."
We grinned foolishly at each other then hugged one another tightly.
"Let's go," Tonia cried.
Arm in arm we marched out of the hotel.
"Just like the three bloody musketeers," I laughed.
"One for all," Tonia cried.
"And all for one," Lola responded.
"You know, I read somewhere that they only say that once in the whole book," I said.
Tonia and Lola looked at me as if I had gone instantly mad. "I just thought I'd mention it."
They exchanged glances and suddenly doubled over in laughter and, still laughing, we set out for our life of crime. Half way down the street, Tonia suddenly started singing the work song from 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs' and that set us off again. At least it wasn't 'The Wizard of Oz'.
Our mood rapidly sobered when we reached the town centre.
"Right, you two find a nice café and order me something long and strong. I'll be back in a while."
"How long?" Tonia asked.
"How many envelopes do we have?"
"Seven."
"Well, I don't know. Fifteen… twenty minutes?"
"We'll be over there," Lola said, giving me a big kiss.
"Good luck," Tonia added, kissing me, too.
I grinned and waved as I left. A foolish gesture, perhaps, but I did feel as if I was embarking on a world-shaking mission. My heart was in my mouth and I'm sure the ladies were equally nervous though it was difficult to tell behind their dark glasses.
"Okay, Charles, it's up to you now. Remember he or she must be local, mustn't be known in the bank and must speak English," I thought.
"You're such a worrier," he said. "I've handled much more complex and delicate tasks in my time. That one."
I looked to see a middle-aged woman coming down the street towards us. She was dressed in a long black skirt and dark blouse with a head-square covering her irom-grey hair. She was carrying a shopping bag. She looked like somebody's grandmother.
"Buenos dias," I said stepping in front of her.
She looked up and, as she caught my gaze, her eyes glazed over.
"Would you do me a favour and deposit this money in the bank, please. The account details are written on the front. Afterwards, destroy the envelope and the receipt and forget this happened."
"Si, Señor," she said, taking the proffered envelope and turning away.
I couldn't help it, I stood and watched her as she made her sturdy way to the bank and disappeared inside. I knew I was supposed to simply hand over the envelope and move on but this was the first one and I had to know if the mental commands would work.
"Of course it will work," Charles snorted. "Why shouldn't it?"
"I know it should," I thought back. "I just want to make sure it does."
It seemed like ages but, in reality, it was just over ten minutes before my messenger emerged. She had the envelope in her hand and, although I couldn't be sure from this distance, it seemed to be empty. She looked round, spotted a waste-paper bin and trotted over to it. She tore the envelope up and watched the pieces flutter into the bin. Suddenly she gave a little start and looked round as if surprised to find herself outside the bank. Then, with a little shrug, she started walking back up the street. I stood where she would see me. This was the final test. Would she recognise me? She passed within ten feet and never even glanced in my direction. I was jubilant.
"Well done, Charles," I thought. "You did it."
"It was nothing." His tone was smug. "I do not understand why you ever doubted it would work."
I was light headed with relief and felt like dancing a jig. This would not have been a wise move and I still had six more envelopes to get rid of so I took a few deep breaths and set off to look for more likely victims
The second was a businessman. In his mid-thirties and dressed in formal trousers, a neatly-ironed short-sleeved shirt with a tie and shiny shoes, he took the envelope without a word and turned aside to find his designated bank. This time I did not wait, although I was sorely tempted to do so. For the plan to work I had to move on and not hang about. My third victim was a harassed-looking young woman, my fourth another businessman, my fifth an obviously well-heeled lady out shopping, my sixth an older man dressed in overalls and my seventh a pensioner. As the final envelope left my hand I had to suppress a whoop of triumph: €7,000 in just over half an hour. It was incredible; unbelievable! I wanted to rush back to my women and dance around like a mad thing. I did nothing of the sort, of course, but strolled casually around until I was back at the café they had indicated.
Lola spotted me and waved. They had a jug of Sangria on the table and Tonia poured me a large glass.
"Well?" Lola demanded.
I did my best to keep a straight face and shrugged. "No problem."
"What do you mean 'no problem'?" Tonia, looking as if she wanted to slug me. "What happened? Give, buster, or else."
I couldn't maintain my air of indifference any longer. "It worked like a dream." I beamed. "Exactly as planned."
"Details. We want details," Tonia demanded.
I gave them the details and, as I did, their smiles got broader and broader.
"I almost can't believe it," Lola breathed. "We're going to be rich as easy as that."
"May I remind you that some of us have done a lot of hard work to make it as easy as this," Tonia said with some asperity.
"Of course," Lola said contritely. "It's all in the planning." She couldn't maintain the straight face for long, though. "This calls for a celebration. I vote we all go out and get blootered."
I shook my head. "Not a good idea."
"But I want to celebrate."
"And then what? You get plastered and start waving your knickers around shouting 'we screwed the system' at the top of you voice."
"How dare you!" Lola was indignant.
"That was a bit unfair," Tonia added.
"I know. I exaggerated to get your attention. The point I'm making is that if we let out the slightest hint of what we're doing then our goose is cooked, the jig's up and lots of other clichés."
"He has a point, if crudely put," Tonia said.
Lola sighed. "I suppose he has, much as I hate to admit it."
"Don't you just hate it when he's right?" Tonia said gloomily.
"Yup, Say, instead of celebrating, we could always gang up on him," Lola said brightly. "Make his life a misery."
"Now there's an idea," Tonia grinned. "We could withhold our favours until he promises to be good."
"And takes us shopping."
"Way to go, girlfriend." They 'high-fived' each other.
"I hate to poop your party," I said with a grin, "but tonight we've got a lot of work to do. Okay so our plan works but that's only the first step. Tomorrow we need to start hitting the other resorts. We made seven deposits today so that leaves us with how many?"
"Nine hundred and ninety three," Tonia said gloomily.
"Shit. I'm sorry. I was just so pleased our plan worked I didn't think about the rest," Lola said.
"I know how you feel," I said sympathetically. "I wanted to dance a jig in the middle of the street after the first one." I glanced at my watch. "Let's go back to the hotel, set up another batch of envelopes and hit Blanes. I think we'll feel better once we're up and moving."
Blanes was how I had always pictured Spanish seaside resorts; huge blocks of flats and vast hotels encircling a bay of bare yellow sand which, at the height of the season would be so crowded that little of the sand would be visible. Technically there were two bays separated by two big rocks but the overall impression was of one big curve. It was significantly larger than Lloret and had a harbour. Lola wanted to stop and admire the boats and was only reluctantly persuaded away. Even the prices, with far too many zeroes at the end of them, didn't seem to put her off.
We strolled around and I handed out envelopes every time we came across a bank. Actually our biggest problem was finding natives to give the envelopes to. Not unsurprisingly, most of them were busy earning a living and the vast majority of the people thronging the streets were tourists like us. It was hot and busy and, after two hours, we had had enough. We headed for the botanic garden after a refreshment break and spent a relaxing couple of hours strolling in the shade of the trees. It was certainly more exotic than our botanic garden back home if not as green. I was not surprised that the labels on the plants made as much sense to me here as they did at home. To attach a name like Triherbiflora Diddlidorum to a plant little more than an inch high with flowers so small you wouldn't notice them if they grew in your window-box always struck me as an exercise in pretentious pedagoguery.
The next day we visited Tossa de Mar, up the coast from Lloret. It was much more to our liking and we spent most of the day wandering the narrow streets of both the old walled town and the 'new' town and dipping into the multitude of art galleries. The museum boasted some paintings by Chagall and the ladies had some fun arguing about his place in the spectrum of 20th Century artists and whether the symbolism of his dream-like compositions were universally significant or expressions of his own subconscious. Their discussion, like Chagall's symbolism, went way over my head. Being uneducated in art and a philistine to boot, I didn't care one way or the other. His paintings were incomprehensible and he needed to learn how to draw. I kept these opinions to myself. After all, what did I know? We liked the atmosphere of Tossa so much we had dinner there and were quite late back. Almost as an aside I handed out some envelopes.
"I want to go to Barcelona," Lola announced as we were breakfasting the next day.
"Any particular reason?" I asked mildly.
"No," she said casually. "I just fancy visiting a city. I'm a city girl at heart."
Tonia sniggered. "You just fancy visiting Señor Alvarez."
"I'd forgotten about him," Lola said with apparently genuine surprise.
"In that case it's shopping," Tonia said triumphantly.
"Well, now you mention it…"
"Okay. I get the point," I laughed. "Tomorrow we go to Barcelona."
"Goody."
"Isn't there some sort of famous store there?" Tonia asked.
"El Corte Inglés."
"Pardon?"
"It's the name of the store. El Corte Inglés. Nine floors of shopping."
Where did Lola get all this information from?
"Nine floors? Can we go today?" Tonia turned to me and batted her eyelashes. "Pretty please."
I had to laugh. She was just so outrageous. "No. Tomorrow. And before we go you need to make some decisions. Is this business or pleasure? Is it a day trip or longer and do we contact our friend from the airport?"
"Trust you to be practical," Tonia snorted.
"Someone has to be since the aliens stole my companions and replaced them with heavily-disguised blondes."
"Enough with the blonde jokes," Lola said. "And who is our friend from the airport?"
"The man who was chatting you up while Charles and I were having our little chat." I said.
"Señor Alvarez," Tonia said.
"Oh, him," Lola said.
"If you just want to shop, we could do a day trip. It shouldn't take long to get there by train," I suggested.
"I want to see some Gaudi," Lola said.
"I'd forgotten about that," I admitted. "That was part of the reason we came here in the first place, wasn't it? Well, we could stay overnight and do Gaudi on one day and shopping on the other."
"What about the money?" Tonia asked.
"We do that some other time."
"I liked Señor Alvarez. I think we should phone him and play it by ear." Lola suggested. "I think this should be a fun visit and we do the serious stuff later."
"That gets my vote," Tonia agreed. "You do still have his card, don't you?"
"Of course," I said indignantly as I told Charles to lighten my hair for a few minutes. "I'm not the blonde around here."
I looked up to see Tonia and Lola regarding me with horrified expressions on their faces.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"Your hair," Lola spluttered.
"You like it?" I grinned.
"That's really freaky," Tonia said faintly.
"It is and more," Lola agreed. "Please don't ever do anything like that again without giving me at least three day's notice in writing."
"It was meant to be a joke," I said huffily as Charles returned my hair to its normal colour.
"Well, it wasn't funny," Lola said.
"I feel positively sick," Tonia said.
I was mortified. "I apologise most sincerely. I never thought you'd be so upset. You know Charles can change my appearance."
"Yes. But… it wasn't the changing so much as it happening before our eyes when we weren't prepared for it," Lola said.
"I'm sorry. As a penance, I'll go and wrestle with the Spanish phone system."
There wasn't much to wrestle with. The Spanish phone system is every bit as efficient as the British one.
Señor Alvarez not only remembered us but was delighted to hear from us. He insisted we come immediately and that we stay in his apartment for as long as we wanted. He wouldn't take no for an answer and the best I could do was to insist we paid for dinner that evening.
We spent the rest of the day doing what we had become accustomed to… nothing very much.